I was subpoenaed by Congress for its House Oversight on Any American Activities That Aren’t Critical to the Welfare of Our Nation Committee hearings on sports-columnist use of performance-enhancing drugs. I will not go to Capitol Hill – I left Washington several years back largely to avoid our elected leaders – but today, under my own personal oath, I will detail to readers my activities of the past year:
Jan. 2, 2007: Felt a head cold coming on. Had the UPS guy inject B12 into my buttocks.
Jan. 17: Bothered by a mild sore throat. Got the FedEx fella to inject lidocaine into my buttocks.
Feb. 4: Suffered considerable pain in my right (non-writing) elbow. Arranged for the Airborne Express dude to inject Deca Durabolin into my buttocks.
Feb. 21: Battled a sinus condition all morning. Asked the mailman to inject testosterone into my buttocks.
March 12: Endured a terrible bout of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Took two Tylenol.
April 3: Accidentally poured some Pabst Blue Ribbon into my bowl of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios. Didn’t taste half-bad.
May 14: Aggravated an old hamstring injury while walking briskly to beer fridge to grab a PBR. Implored Papa John’s delivery guy to massage it, but he declined.
May 19: Tape-recorded phone conversation with my first ex-wife, who hangs up 17 times in 17 minutes.
May 30: Received seventh-place honors in national bowling-writing competition. I defy anybody to say I did it by cheating or taking any short cuts.
June 8: Watched “It’s Me or the Dog” on Animal Planet.
July 23: Contacted “60 Minutes” and offered to tell my whole story if they’ll allow Larry King to interview me.
July 24: “60 Minutes” called to tell me Larry King has a prior charity-dinner commitment but Ahmad Rashad is available. I accept immediately.
Aug. 6: Went to Costco to pick up Vioxx and Skittles.
Aug. 11: Paper cuts on both index fingers threatened to sideline my column, but I apply extra Mercurachrome and write 650 strong words on the WNBA.
Sept. 9: Got a phone call from Michael Wilbon saying I could co-host “Pardon the Interruption” if I pick up shipment of Winstrol for him.
Sept. 10: Picked up Winstrol and shared it with Wilbon at his estate while we watch an Ernie Banks documentary on pay-per-view. But “PTI” never calls.
Oct. 5: Talked to my second ex-wife on the phone for the first time since our day in court – she said she’d “go to jail” for me if I promised not to visit.
Oct. 26: Ran into Kirk Radomski at GNC.
Nov. 8: My bookie told me that side effects of ephedra may include severe skin reactions, dizziness, trembling, nervousness, excessive perspiration, dehydration, itchy scalp, hyperthermia, irregular heartbeat, seizures and vomiting, but I love it with my afternoon tea!
Nov. 17: Nothing – and I meaning nothing – gets me more depressed than when I find expired coupons for the Internet pharmacy.
Nov. 21: Wasn’t Red Smith still writing great columns at age 70? How? He was juicing! Me, I don’t write that good.
Dec. 1: That’s not an abscess, it’s just my ego swelling.
Dec. 13: Cooked fried chicken for dinner. Delicious! The secret to my recipe? Substituting flaxseed oil for vegetable oil.
Dec. 31: Did I actually write that the New England Patriots would not go 16-0? Man, I must’ve injected my head up my buttocks.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Why doesn’t the NFL adopt the NCAA’s fairer overtime rules? Have you ever used a coin flip to determine your next wife? (Martin Brock; Memphis, Tenn.)
A. Actually, it was my second wife who lost a coin flip and had to marry me. She no longer carries any change in her purse.
Q. Why are there so many football stadiums up North without a roof and how did they win the Civil War? (Ray Bohannon; Friendswood, Tex.)
A. As for the roofless stadiums, I assume we like cold-weather football. As for the Civil War, I assume we avoided turnovers.
Q. Is Norman Esiason’s American-flag lapel pin bigger than those worn by the other “NFL Today” crew members, or does he just have smaller lapels? (Ed Sherrill; Clemmons, N.C.)
A. Nobody has a larger lapel than Norman Esiason.
Q. When Brett Favre throws long in that Wrangler commercial is he looking off the safety? (Philip Murphy; Canfield, Ohio)
A. He didn’t on that pass – it was intercepted.
Q. If Terry Francona and his staff coached the Patriots would they restrict Tom Brady to a “pass count”? (Pat Mc Aloon; Vienna, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
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