Handy hype handbook
Welcome to Super Bowl week.
As in, hide your eyes and hit the mute button.
Once one of the most fun times on the sports calendar, the week leading up to The Game has turned into a spectacle for everything that is wrong with sports: too much glitz, paparazzi over pancake blocks, the non-media day and the attack of the story line.
Starting with media day Tuesday, the week will be filled with some very predictable themes. It always happens, without fail. Some will be made for TV, others will be made for the New York gossip columns. Whatever the case, they will be beaten to death until the story – and its subjects – can’t breathe.
Of course, none of it matters and it all will be forgotten by the time the game is over and the confetti is dropped from the University of Phoenix Stadium. For those of you who would like to skip all the bull and stay focused on the game, here’s a primer for what will be in the news this week:
Pursuit of perfection: As if ESPN and the NFL Network haven’t already yakked about this ad nauseum, the 1972 Miami Dolphins will once again be trotted out to give their take on the Patriots, SpyGate and whether the Patriots are planning to join them in perfection, or surpassing them with a 19-0 mark in the salary-cap era.
New York vs. Boston: Maybe you’ve heard of this inferiority complex that New Englanders have toward their much richer and noisier neighbors to the south? You have? Well, too bad, you’re still going to get your fill of Babe Ruth, A-Rod, David Ortiz and Roger Clemens references until you’re pinstriped-blue in the face.
The parade of idiots (aka media day): Television and radio stations will do their best to cause a stir by either hiring very beautiful (and scantily clad) women or the biggest reality show rejects they can find and turn them loose on the players.
Last year, former Miss Spain Inez Sainz (and her tight jeans) got more attention than Peyton Manning .
Randy Moss takes the stand: Or does he? The one positive of media day is that normally reclusive stars are forced to answer questions from the masses. So that means that Moss and his questionable past will have no buffer, unless he skips it altogether and pays the fine. Actually, that might be something that Bill Belichick has already contemplated.
The Untouchables: Well, at least that’s the way all of New England looks at the nine Patriots who have been a part of the Belichick Super Bowl teams (2001, 2003, 2004 and 2007): Tedy Bruschi, Mike Vrabel, Brady, Matt Light, Troy Brown, Kevin Faulk, Larry Izzo, Lonie Paxton and Richard Seymour. Expect much fawning to ensue.
The “Nobody Respects Us” storyline: That will be uttered by every single member of the Giants this week, and a few delusional Patriots (Rodney Harrison, Junior Seau ).
Mike Carey makes history: Yes, Carey will become the first African-American to referee the Super Bowl. He’s certainly deserving. The sad part is this hasn’t happened until 2008.
There you have it, all the non-essential stuff that will blabbed about all week in Phoenix. Notice there wasn’t much about actual strategy and on-field issues? That’s because none of that matters – according to producers and network execs – until, you know, the game is actually played.
And that can’t come soon enough for the rest of us.