Scale back; find time for each other

Carolyn: It’s an old story. My wife and I were intimate often for the first several years of our marriage. Now, that has fallen off. I’ve tried to talk to her about it. But reasons for the decrease are all valid – two kids, she’s a teacher and works many hours, she gets only five hours of sleep each night and is tired.

I am warding off resentment (so far), but I recognize this is causing friction now and will only increase, if we can’t find a way to resolve it. Help! – Intimacy Differences

Old story, new villain. Fatigue may be a valid reason for a drop-off in libido that’s steeper than the usual one, and scant sleep might be a valid reason for fatigue – but two kids and a teaching job are not valid reasons for getting so little sleep every night.

I realize I’m about to make an example of someone I don’t know. But even if your wife is a … well, valid exception, I believe the rule holds: People are doing too much, running too much, expecting too much (and, in an effort to find some relief, spending too much, eating too much, staying up too late, surfing online too much and/or watching too much TV).

What’s my definition of “too much”? So much that you don’t have sex with your spouse.

I realize it’s a dodge as old as mankind, getting busy literally to avoid it figuratively. However, our societal madness for being 18 people at once has promoted a dodge to “valid.” We aren’t just parents, we parent. We don’t have jobs, we have careers. We don’t just enroll our kids in an institution, we assume its burdens. Good thing we keep chic homes, cook locally grown food, recycle, give back, host graciously, stay fit, maximize our 401(k)s and 529s, understand our health plans, and don’t look a day over 30! Despite that haven’t-slept-since-‘02 thing.

The best thing parents can do for their children is to give them a warm and functional home.

Yet the more they push to give children the best, the more they say no to … ? Each other.

One by one, neglected spouse by neglected spouse, people need to take a stand against this.

You first. But I would argue against begging for sex. Sex is but one symptom, and focusing on the one symptom that most affects you is a great way to get this response: (1) Clench your teeth. (2) Say, “Fine.”

You miss your wife. Yes? That’s your argument.

I would also argue against arguing this before you put careful thought into how much you contribute, unwittingly, to her absence. She may well feed off martyrdom (that’s a whole other column), but she may, too, feel that everything’s dumped on her, and doing everything is faster than duking it out.

In other words, if you each wrote down what you had to do tonight before bed, would the lists be fair? If not, why not? Could you go to dinner, just you two, without doubling the lists? Could any of it wait till the weekend without depriving anyone of food, shelter, clean underwear? If no, is she open to revisiting family priorities? Have you said this out loud, to her? Nothing whiny or accusatory, just – soon.