Food, party and dating tips for SB XLII

In a still-young 21st century, this will be the New York Giants’ second appearance in the Super Bowl – not a good sign for the century (or the millennium, for that matter). And for the New England Patriots – a team I famously dissed and dismissed months ago – this will be their fourth Super Bowl in seven seasons.

Alas, this is a game I cannot watch.

But as usual, as a public service I am here to provide my 42nd annual Super Bowl Sunday Viewing Guide (For Super Bowl Parties of Six or More):

Last year baseball superstar Alex Rodriguez said he “ate way too much” and threw up at his own Super Bowl party. If it can happen to A-Rod, it can happen to you.

Keep food preparations simple. God bless the George Foreman Grill, and Costco.

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers will be the featured musical act at halftime. I guess Bon Jovi had a previous commitment.

Be careful whom you invite to your home. No cigar smokers or ticket brokers, no lawyers, no politicians or pollsters, no sports talk radio hosts, no spiritual healers or holistic healers, no fantasy football chumps, no Duke or Michigan grads and, as always, no Jets fans.

In Week 6, I said the Patriots would not go 16-0 and would not get to the Super Bowl. So sue me. It’s not as if I leaned out of a balcony at a Stowe, Vt., bed-and-breakfast in November 1776 and shouted, “America’s got no chance to make it!”

There is one reason and one reason only to root for the Patriots: The 1972 Dolphins. Who isn’t tired of hearing about those 17-0 frauds? They had an unbeaten regular season because THEY DIDN’T PLAY ANYBODY. Go check for yourselves – that year, Don Shula had three CFL teams, Appalachian State and Cirque du Soleil on the schedule.

Tom Brady had a walking boot on his right leg last week. I don’t know how he injured his foot, but I guarantee you it didn’t happen on the field – he hasn’t been touched in a game by the other team since Oct. 18, 2002.

According to the National Enquirer – Couch Slouch apologizes for not having better sources – Mr. Brady has promised to give his supermodel girlfriend Gisele Bundchen an engagement ring if he wins a Super Bowl ring. This is one area in which I believe I have a little more expertise and experience than The Golden Boy: Don’t do it, Tommy.

Eli Manning wouldn’t even let his fiancée, Abby McGrew, watch the NFC championship game from a luxury box because he’s superstitious. You see what I’m talking about, Tommy? Poor Eli is already so screwed into the ground as a husband-to-be, he’s worried about where the broad sits on third-and-long. It’s just not worth it, man.

That new “Budweiser-is- the-Great-American-Lager” guy needs to be stuffed into a duffel bag with Jared from Subway. Every time Anheuser-Busch runs a commercial during the game, I am asking the American public to pop open a Pabst Blue Ribbon.

I’ve never thought much of Tom Coughlin. I was wrong. But geez, I would see him on the sideline with those contorted facial expressions full of irritation, exasperation, aggravation, fury, rage, anger and general disgruntlement and ignored the fact that he’s made the playoffs seven times in 12 seasons as an NFL coach.

I’ve never thought much of Bill Belichick, either. I was very wrong. But for goodness sakes, the man keeps a challenge flag tucked into his right sock – I’m supposed to figure him for the next Jonas Salk?

If the game becomes one- sided, you have other options. Animal Planet has “Puppy Bowl IV,” and, for the first time, it’s in HD. The puppies tackle, bite and occasionally urinate, making it pretty much a four-legged version of the NFL.

Oh, yeah, the game itself – you probably want to know who’s going to win. Once a year, I provide the EXACT FINAL SCORE of a game beforehand. (Overlooked in Wilt Chamberlain’s 100-point effort on March 2, 1962, was that I nailed the Warriors’ 169-147 victory over the Knicks on the nose.) Giants 25, Patriots 24.

Ask The Slouch

Q. IUPUI’s Ron Hunter coached a basketball game last week barefoot to help collect shoes for needy children. Is Couch Slouch ever charitable? (Scott Krause; Chicago)

A. I once wrote a column barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen to support women’s suffrage.

Q. What’s taking Redskins owner Daniel Snyder so long to hire a new coach? (Dan Crockett; Charleston, W.Va.)

A. He’s waiting for Super Tuesday to see if Mike Huckabee becomes available.

Q. Does your current wife know that you were married before you were married before? (Bob Craig; Fredericksburg, Va.)

A. I believed it was in our best interests to exchange only a limited amount of information.

Q. Which was more unnecessary, the Patriots spying on the Jets in 2007 or the Republicans spying on the Democrats in 1972? (Alan Brittenham; Renton, Wash.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.