Carolyn Hax: Tell friend only what you know

Dear Carolyn: Last week my husband and I had dinner with a good friend and her “new” boyfriend (of eight months – “Bob” always had a conflict when we tried to make plans before this). My husband was uncharacteristically quiet, and on the way home explained that he works with Bob’s ex-wife, “Sarah.” I have met Sarah at work functions, and she is down-to-earth and charming. My husband respects her.

My friend is besotted with her “beloved” and won’t hear a bad word about him. Bob has had multiple stints in rehab. My friend says it was his ex-wife who “drove” him to use drugs.

Sarah walked away from the craziness and rebuilt her life without Bob. He recently e-mailed her and wants to be “friends”; Bob told Sarah that his current relationship is over … that Sarah was the only woman he ever loved. She wants nothing to do with him.

Do I tell my friend what my husband told me or stay out of it? She was in a bad relationship last year and seems to be headed for more heartbreak. – Clueless and Concerned

Short answer: The harder the story is to follow, the less it’s your business.

Here’s why. Several things are possible in this Bob-and-Sarah saga. Maybe Sarah isn’t being truthful about the e-mail; maybe your husband misjudged Sarah; maybe Bob has cleaned himself up.

You may think I’m declaring that 1 plus 1 plus 1 equals 5. However, you’re a distant third party here. The most important element of your decision about what to tell your friend will be the distinction between the facts and your assumptions.

Just because your assumptions seem both reasonable and consistent doesn’t make them facts. You don’t know Bob is disparaging your friend to Sarah, because you weren’t there. You don’t know that Sarah was the hero in her marriage to Bob’s villain, because you weren’t there. You also don’t know Sarah’s motives.

And, you don’t know what Bob’s past says about his present. You don’t know if he’s rationalizing his drug use, or if your friend is doing it for him.

Here’s what you do know: Your husband knows Sarah; Sarah was married to Bob; Bob is dating your friend.

What you owe your friend is the one piece she’s missing: that your husband knows Sarah. Period. If she wants to hear more, she can ask. And you can tell – still distinguishing between things you do and don’t know.