Analyze motives for cancellation

Dear Annie: I am engaged to a wonderful man whom I have known since high school. “Chad” and I began dating three years ago and became engaged last April. We are supposed to marry in May, and I am having second thoughts.

I don’t know how to tell Chad that I am not ready for this commitment after we have worked so hard to plan our wedding. I already tried calling off the wedding once before, but he made me feel so guilty, I changed my mind and we kept on planning. Now I feel stuck.

I don’t know how to broach the subject. It’s not that I don’t love Chad, because I do, but I am not ready to marry him. How do I tell him I don’t want a wedding without hurting him? – Confused in Virginia

Dear Confused: It’s not possible. He’s going to take it personally, and it will hurt him. That doesn’t mean you should keep quiet, however. Try to analyze your motives and figure out what’s holding you back. If you love Chad and want to spend the rest of your life with him, this might just be cold feet and will pass. However, if you truly aren’t ready to settle down, you should call it off. In spite of the hurt, you will be doing him a favor. Marrying the man you love shouldn’t require a guilt trip.

In a calm, private moment, tell Chad you love him, but are not ready to marry. If you wish to remain engaged, let him know you will take responsibility for calling your parents, the church, the caterer, etc., and canceling all plans for May, leaving the wedding date open – and do it. Then arrange couples counseling. Otherwise, you must return the ring and set him free.

Dear Annie: I’m part of a very small, close group of 50-something women. We get together on a monthly basis to eat out, shop and, of course, talk about our relationships.

One of the women in our group has never been married. “Karen” has always been financially independent and recently came into a sizeable inheritance. Suddenly, a married man she has known for 12 years is after her.

This guy is already on marriage No. 3. Karen is convinced he wants to marry her, but is waiting until his daughter graduates high school in two years so as not to disturb the girl’s studies and chances of getting into a good college. Karen thinks this is admirable.

We love Karen, but something just isn’t right about this relationship. What can we do? – Something Stinks in the South

Dear South: Not too much. You can say something seems “off” about Casanova and you are worried about her. But when she bristles at you (and she will), you have to back down immediately. Let’s hope she isn’t making a horrible mistake, but if so, you’ll just have to let her learn the hard way.