Norman Chad: Poker outshines Olympics

This summer, a fractured world is gathering in two distinct locales – Beijing and Las Vegas – for one-in-a-kind global competition. The Summer Olympics begin Aug. 8; the World Series of Poker Main Event begins July 3. Let me count the ways the WSOP is better than the Olympiad:

In poker, there are no performance-enhancing drugs – well, other than beer.

In track and field these days, how do we know who’s sprinting to the finish line and who’s racing to the chemistry lab? From Ben Johnson to Marion Jones, I just don’t trust ‘em anymore. Heck, if the Incredible Hulk were competing in the shot put, commentators would simply marvel at his remarkable training regimen.

Poker players, meanwhile, might not have the best habits or the best bodies, but they’re the most steroid-free group in America this side of actuaries. Besides, who wants to see Mike “The Mouth” Matusow on Winstrol?

Michael Phelps and Phil Ivey are both the best at what they do. I’ll take Ivey.

Phelps is a swimmer. What does that involve? He jumps into a pool every day; his biggest concern is chlorine levels. Ivey, my perennial pick to win the Main Event, is a gambler. What does that involve? He wins or loses half-a-million dollars on the poker table any given day, he also wins or loses half-a-million dollars on the golf course. He needs math skills, card skills, people skills, emotional discipline and, well, a very large bankroll. It also helps if his wife doesn’t ask him, “How was your day?” when he comes home from a particularly bad one.

In general, poker players are far more interesting than, say, pole vaulters.

Take one-time hotel maid Ted Forrest, 43, winner of five bracelets and one of the best high-stakes poker players in the world. He once bet $10,000 that he could drink 10 beers in 30 minutes. (He won.) He once bet $10,000 he could do a standing back flip. (He won.) He once bet $10,000 he could bench-press 225 pounds 50 times in one day. (He lost.)

The gold bracelet is better than the gold medal.

What, you going to wear your gold medal around your neck to Target when you’re picking up some bathroom tissue? You’ll look like a pompous fool! But the gold bracelet – awarded to WSOP tournament winners – goes with just about any outfit, casual or formal. It also brings a fair price at a pawn shop.

Anyone 21 and older – anyone!!! – can enter any WSOP event.

If you’re a gymnast, you might train for 10 or 15 years, endure the usual politics and mayhem, then hope the judges are in a favorable mood on the day you try to secure the last spot on the national team. Plus, you’ve got to wake up pretty darn early for practice.

At the World Series of Poker: You got the cash, you got a seat. Plus, you can usually sleep in.

When you go to the Olympics, you visit one city. When you go to the WSOP, you experience many cities.

On or near the Strip alone, Las Vegas offers bits of New York, New Orleans, Paris, Venice, Monte Carlo, a bit of Egypt and, of course, Sin City. The Statue of Liberty and the Eiffel Tower – I believe the originals – are both in Las Vegas. Where else in the world can you take a gondola ride in the middle of the desert?

Okay, let’s compare Beijing vs. Las Vegas, straight up.

Beijing has air pollution, dust storms, overcrowding, Tibet protests, plus myriad restrictions on foreigners and the media. Las Vegas lets you do whatever you want with whomever you want – and it never closes – plus you can play keno in just about any casino coffee shop while waiting for your eggs.

There are too many announcers at the Olympics.

At the Olympics, NBC has Bob Costas and 147 mostly English-language commentators. At the WSOP, ESPN uses Lon McEachern and Couch Slouch – we may not know what we’re talking about, but we sound really, really good.

The opening ceremonies of the Olympics are an endless parade of pomp, circumstance and commercial breaks.

At the World Series of Poker, we just say, “Shuffle up and deal!”

No replays in poker. What are we going to do, show the flop again in slow motion?

Ask The Slouch

Q. What was the deal with Serena Williams’ trench coat at Wimbledon – hip fashion statement or smart weather sense? (Dan Overton; Memphis, Tenn.)

A. Maybe she was playing mixed doubles with Peter Falk.

Q. You’ve been married almost a whole year – do you have any experience buying anniversary gifts? (Mark Schlesinger; Rolla, Mo.)

A. No, but I have a lot of experience returning wedding gifts.

Q. “Pacman” Jones now wants to be called Adam or Mr. Jones. Will this make a difference? (Robert Carey; Indianapolis)

A. It helped Edson Arantes do Nascimento.

Q. How come the answer to the last question in Ask The Slouch is always, “Pay the man, Shirley”? Do you run out of witty responses by that point each week? (Steve Levine; Bethesda, Md.)

A. Pay the bum, Shirley.