Jesus’ younger brother, Jerome, dropped me a line this week.
I looked at the postmark and gasped. I had no idea Jesus had kin in Spokane.
Of course, if I knew more about the Bible I wouldn’t be writing three columns a week. I’d be preaching on TV in a really nice suit, telling viewers that God wants them to send me all their money.
“I am Jerome, born of Mary of God …” wrote Jerome.
“… Are YOU proud of what YOU have allowed my Country to become?”
I couldn’t answer that, but Jerome did raise a very good point.
It’s time for another installment of Reeeaaader’s Windbaaag!!!
This is the forum that allows my readers of all degrees of sanity to sound off without fear of being identified, verified or vilified.
Assault with a deadly weapon
I always get a little nervous when I stagger into work and find a suspicious package in my newsroom mail slot.
This happened Tuesday. Fortunately, I read the company safety manual, so I know how to deal with potential mail bombs.
I carried the item ever so carefully to my desk and shook it violently over a co-worker’s head.
Nothing exploded, so we both knew it was safe.
Inside the box I discovered a small gavel tied to a wooden base with a typed message glued on it.
“Place bug on platform … and hit with mallet.”
An accompanying letter explained this is a less-toxic solution to my box elder bug problem than buying more poison from the Minnesota pesticide dealer I wrote about.
“Why people have to go to out-of-state Swedes to get the job done is beyond me,” argued Darrell, of Spokane Valley.
No doubt about it. My readers are buggier than anything in my yard.
Craig commode crooning continues
Idaho voters soon will elect a new U.S. senator to replace retiring Larry Craig.
Bill, of Pullman, doesn’t think we should let “the man with wide stance” leave without a proper sendoff.
So he wrote some new lyrics to that Dean Martin love song, “That’s Amore.”
Bill then dialed my number and left a singing message on my voice mail:
“You’ve just entered the stall, but your pants just won’t fall.
“That’s a mandate.
“The policeman next door dropped his badge on the floor.
“That’s a mandaaaate.”
Wrecking breakfast one reader at a time
“I love your column and have at times snorted my morning milk at your sarcastic witticism,” wrote Sarah, of Spokane.
So an informed liar is a better liar?
“So please get all the facts before you go saying something that isn’t true,” wrote T.M., of Spokane.
Raising moral values one reader at a time
” ‘Boink-fest’ is now my term of the day,” wrote Chris, of Vancouver, about a word I recently coined.
My editors wonder the same thing
“I enjoy your articles,” wrote Connie, of Post Falls. “I laugh a lot and always wonder how you get to keep your job there.”
Can’t teach an old Doug new tricks
“Stop writing just to fill up space,” wrote Victor, of Spokane.
Whaddya think a them apples, Victor?
“You are a beacon of common sense in the shadows of ignorance around here,” wrote D.K., of Coeur d’Alene.
Eddie’s gone from bad to verse
The legend of serial felon Eddie Ray Hall keeps expanding.
Brooks, a retired Spokane corrections officer, mailed me a poem he wrote about his contact with the career burglar who has racked up some 40 arrests and 10 felony convictions. Here’s part of it:
“I worked swing shift at the county jail.
“Inmates were calling trying to make bail.
“Then over the air comes a radio call:
“City coming in with Eddie Ray Hall.
“Eddie never complained, never filed a tort.
“But for Spokane County he was a hero of sorts.
“I’m not condoning the crimes that he did.
“He was like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
“One more crime for our favorite outlaw.
“He would drive out of town just ahead of the law.
“I’m now retired, but best memory of all.
“Is Inmate of the Year, Eddie Ray Hall.”
Final word from Jesus’ bro, Jerome
“Wake up America!
Your free ride on my bloodline’s gravy train has ended today!”