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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Dear Diary: I think I’ll just horse around on Saturday afternoon

Norman Chad The Spokesman-Review

So, what happened to Big Brown? Was he unhealthy? Hot? Tired? Did someone get to him? For rare insight into the world of a fallen equine champion, we have obtained Big Brown’s private journal from his historic week that wasn’t at Belmont:

Sunday: You think Warren Buffett flies coach? Heck, when they ship me, I don’t even get a movie on board. I mean, I’m worth $50 million at stud and I’m traveling in a trailer? … I ran into War Emblem at 7-Eleven. Dude’s really let himself go. … When nobody’s around, one of our favorite games at the stables is “Pin the Tail on the Jockey.”… I’m glad Blabbermouth Dutrow thinks it’s a “foregone conclusion” I’m going to win the Belmont. Man, my foot is KILLING ME. …

I love the smell of fresh hay in the morning.

Monday: Why the fuss about my steroid use? “Dancing With The Stars” pretty boy Christian de la Fuentes is popping Percocets like Skittles and he’s an international hero. … Why is everyone always interviewing Kent Desormeaux? You could’ve put Gary Coleman in the saddle and I still win these races by five lengths. … I don’t trust people, which is why I’ve arranged for direct deposit on all my purse money. … Next year at this time, it’ll just be me and the mares in the backwoods of Kentucky. …

Shouldn’t PETA concentrate on bullfighting?

Tuesday: If we’re winning so much money, how come the hoof specialist who treats me looks like an orderly from “Scrubs?” … I always have trouble sleeping in New York, plus the escort service won’t send a filly out this far. … Just plucked “The Black Stallion” off of Amazon for $3.89, plus shipping. Sweet. … I think I heard Blabbermouth Dutrow telling reporters I could beat Obama and McCain. … If we lose this race, I have two words for you: jockey error. …

If it were up to me, all grooms would be required to wear deodorant.

Wednesday: Casino Drive, my butt. That horse couldn’t beat a Budweiser Clydesdale pulling a wagon train full of Michelob Ultra. … My allergies are acting up, but I have a medicine cabinet full of Winstrol instead of Claritin. … I heard a rumor that Barn No. 9 has premium cable. … I’m worried about Denis of Cork like Travis Henry is worried about birth control. … If I’m Big Man on Campus, how come my stall is downwind from the gaseous Icabad Crane? …

How tough is it to get organic oats for breakfast?

Thursday: Part of me says I can’t lose, but another part of me – my hoof – says I need some time off my feet. … Blabbermouth Dutrow’s talking about the Travers Stakes and the Breeders’ Cup Classic, but I have a date with the ladies. … What’s with these predawn workouts? I like sleeping in. … In my next life, I’ll go to the whip on Kent Desormeaux every day and twice on Sunday. … What, there are no cute exercise riders in all of New York? … I have an itch behind my right ear that I just can’t get to. …

My favorite Triple Crown winner of all-time? Probably Joe Medwick.

Friday: Here’s what went wrong with Smarty Jones: The night before the Belmont, he played Chutes and Ladders until 4 in the morning. … Frankly, I don’t think Casino Drive could even beat me at Pai Gow. … Talked to Barry Bonds on the phone briefly. He’s one of the few athletes out there I can relate to. … They’ve got this acrylic patch on my cracked hoof when, honestly, all I want is a pair of penny loafers. … Would it kill the National Horsemen’s Benevolence & Protection Association to offer us free dental? …

I don’t want to alarm anybody, but I’m really in no mood to run a mile and a half.

Saturday: Oh, so today we’re finally racing? I usually don’t know until the post parade. … I’ll tell you why Casino Drive scratched: One, he couldn’t win; two, he found a jockey’s head in his bed this morning. … What a big crowd. They must be giving something away. … God, I hate the rail. I need room to roam. … I can’t get that R. Kelly song out of my head. … So I lose one race and pull up, ‘cause what’s the point of chasing fifth place? Let’s make foals!!!

Ask The Slouch

Q. Since The Slouch is getting a little long in the tooth, is he eating healthier than ever? (Bill Hughes; Spokane)

A. Yesterday I started with a McSkillet Burrito from McDonald’s, had a Bacon Club Chalupa from Taco Bell midafternoon and got me a Chili Cheese Coney from Sonic for a nightcap. Funeral arrangements are pending.

Q. In the NBA, how long is a 20-second timeout? (Paul Stocks; Houston)

A. It is not beyond the realm of possibility to cook a 3-minute egg during a 20-second timeout.

Q. If Hillary Clinton were a thoroughbred, how many times would she have raced Big Brown before she gave up? (Frank Zbiegien; Euclid, Ohio)

A. She certainly should’ve entered the Belmont.

Q. I see that referee Dick Bavetta worked Game 1 of the NBA Finals. Has he worked all the previous finals between the Lakers and the Celtics? (Jerry Arneson; Brookfield, Wis.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.