Subtitles clear up subtleties
LOS ANGELES – Now that the teams have changed coasts – and also direction, the Lakers fervently hope – maybe we should put a little bit of Hollywood into the NBA Finals.
Hasn’t it been something of a baffling joust so far?
The spotlight has fallen upon Paul Pierce’s wheelchair, and a formerly homeless guy off the Boston bench with a name that often gets mispronounced.
The Celtics scored five fewer field goals in two games and nearly blew a 24-point lead at home, but are perceived to have the Lakers in a headlock.
Boston averaged a free throw every 1.3 minutes in Game 2. Los Angeles shot 10 all night.
So what device do the movie people use to help make confusing things clearer for the audience?
Subtitles. That’s the ticket.
Kobe Bryant after Game 2, “It is what it is.”
Subtitle: “I’m the MVP and if I don’t do something pretty quickly, I’m going to lose my membership card in the Michael Jordan Look-alike Club.”
Phil Jackson about Game 3: “I’m not worried about which Celtics team shows up. I’m worried about which Lakers team shows up.”
Subtitle: “What I’m really worried about is which referees show up.”
Jackson about the foul differential in Game 2: “That’s ridiculous. … I’ve never seen a game like that in all these years I’ve coached in the Finals. Unbelievable.”
Subtitle: “To whom do I make out the check for the fine?”
Scene: An injured Pierce is taken down the concourse in a wheelchair in Game 1. He misses only 1:45, and three days later plays more than 41 minutes and scores 28 points.
Subtitle: “It only hurts when I laugh.”
Scene: The look on Boston reserve Leon Powe’s face on the best night of his career – 21 points in 15 minutes.
Subtitle: “This NBA Finals business is pretty swell. One minute, I’m known only for a young life that sounds as if it came off a Dr. Phil show – fatherless at 2, homeless at 7, losing my mother while I was in high school, trying to be a parent to my siblings. The next minute, I’m John Havlicek.”
Powe responding to the fact Jackson first pronounced his name “Pow” instead of the correct “Poe:” “I’m not worried about people not pronouncing my name right. I ain’t tripping off that.”
Subtitle: “I’ll bet he gets my line in the box score right at the next Lakers team meeting.”
Bryant describing what he said during a timeout in Game 2: “Get our beep in gear. Play beep harder. A bunch of beeps. It’s beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Eddie Murphy Raw, times 10.”
Subtitles: “Maybe if I beep enough, people won’t notice how I’m driving the lane right now about as well as a 20-mule team drives down the Pasadena Freeway.”
Published reports: Lakers owner Jerry Buss entered a poker tournament in Las Vegas over the weekend, but was an early casualty.
Subtitle: “Yeah, this looks a little odd during the NBA Finals. But I’d rather draw to an inside straight than be sitting around all those Boston bozos with my team down 24. By the way, tell Kobe to start driving.”
History books: The Celtics are 7-0 when up 2-0 in the NBA Finals. The Lakers have never come back from down 2-0 in the NBA Finals.
Subtitle: The Lakers respectfully request the history books to shut up.
NBA commissioner David Stern, on the possibility of games not starting so late and ending at midnight, even though the TV number crunchers claim earlier tip-offs might make the ratings go down: “Nothing is set in stone.”
Subtitle: “When hell freezes over.”
Jackson, on whether the momentum of Los Angeles’ late rally in Game 2 can carry over to Game 3: “It’s 2,500 miles away. It’s too far to carry it.”
Subtitle: “We need the L.A. crowd – not to mention the Laker Girls and Jack Nicholson – now more than ever. Everyone try to get there on time, for once.”
Pierce on leading a surging Celtics team as the NBA Finals shift to his hometown of Los Angeles: “Couldn’t have scripted it any better.”
Subtitle: “I’m thinking of bringing my wheelchair.”
Jackson: “The referees referee an illusion.”
Subtitle: “Huh?”