Speak honestly about breaking up
Dear Carolyn: I am 16, and I have been in a relationship with a guy for a little over a year. We were best friends before going out, so we usually get along very well. That is, until recently. Over the last couple of weeks, we have stopped talking and doing things together, and I have been thinking about breaking up. I love this guy as much as I do my family, but I just don’t feel the relationship anymore. I’m wondering if I should: (a) break it off, and run the risk of never being able to repair our friendship; (b) leave it and see what happens; or (c) tell him what I’ve been thinking and find out his opinion.
No matter what I choose, my dignity and pride are the most important things to me, and because of this, I do not want to choose something that would hurt either one. Since I’m young, I don’t know if I should expect this relationship to go anywhere. Should I? – Hopelessly Undecided
Well, no. Not because you’re young, even though just a few young loves make it while the vast majority don’t, but because few loves of any age make it while the vast majority don’t. The only thing people can do, at any age, is summon the courage to let things run their natural course.
This isn’t to be mistaken for a vote in favor of (a), which is just running, or (b), which is just hiding. Choosing (c) – an honest talk with your friend – is where the courage kicks in. You speak honestly about your sense that things have changed between you, despite your fear of the consequences, and you let him speak honestly, despite your fear of the consequences. Even if it’s an unhappy outcome, it’s an outcome based on who both of you really are, and that automatically recommends it above the alternatives.
Be careful also not to mistake “saving face” for “dignity.”
The former is about avoiding, at all costs, the appearance of failure.
True dignity is about showing respect for everyone involved, yourself included, without regard for how it may appear. Honesty may get awkward; it usually does. Nevertheless, the most effective form of self-preservation is to do what you think is right.