Annie’s mailbox: Not your fault husband cheats

Dear Annie: I’ve been married for 40 years to a man who has cheated on me repeatedly. Over the years, he has given me genital warts, herpes and two other STDs. He has even been with a woman 20 years older. It says a lot for me, doesn’t it?

I never understood his cheating because the one good thing we had together was sex. I like it, and yet he’s always looking for someone better. His latest fling is with a gay man he works with. He denies it, but based on the evidence and the way the man acts around my husband, I would bet my life on it.

I wanted to leave last year, but he talked me out of it, saying I had too much to lose if we split up, and he is right. I have health issues, and at my age, I doubt I could get a job.

I feel trapped. This man has so much rage and flies off the handle at the drop of a hat. I’ve been to two counselors who both say the stress will kill me, as it causes all the health issues I have. I’ve never thought my husband was anything but straight, but now I wonder if that’s what all the cheating has been about. Is he trying to prove to himself that he’s not gay?

I am not ugly. Other men look at me, but my husband doesn’t. Life is getting short and I feel like I’ve wasted mine. Please help. – Trapped in Iowa

Dear Trapped: We think you have a good grasp of your husband’s problem, so don’t blame yourself. Serial cheaters have their own emotional baggage, and if your husband is gay or bisexual, that would explain a lot of this. Most states offer government assistance in job training to help you get back into the workforce. Check your state’s Web site. You also can look into the Women’s Bureau of the U.S. Department of Labor at 1 (800) 827-5335 and AARP (aarp.org) at 1 (888) OUR-AARP (1-888-687-2277) for help and information.

Dear Annie: We have some friends we enjoy getting together with, but there is one problem: their kids. They have two adult daughters. When I invite our friends over, if I say, “Bring the girls,” they will. But if I don’t include them, their father goes to my husband and says how much the girls would like to see us, and my husband always says, “Sure, bring them along.”

I guess I assumed when their children got older, they would go their own way, but they have not. I realize I should have dealt with this years ago. How do I deal with it now? – Unwilling Hostess

Dear Hostess: Don’t specifically invite the girls. If the parents ask if they can come, reply with a smile, “Sorry, not this time. We want it to be just the four of us.” If they are surprised, too bad. Don’t back down. Make sure your husband practices those words, too, because it sounds as if he may require a spine transplant.