Doug Clark: Watchdog applicants: Leave teeth at door

After months of resistance, the Spokane Police Guild is now behind the city’s proposal to hire a civilian ombudsman who would oversee complaints of law enforcement misconduct.

The approval was overwhelming, with 121 Guild members in favor versus four members who apparently had hangovers and thought they were voting on new sirens for the patrol cars.

The city doesn’t need Police Guild approval to employ an ombudsman, of course, but health-minded Spokane officials decided that winning over the Guild was important in light of the cops having so many freaking guns.

Guild approval is a significant step that sends a signal to everyone that:

The fix is in.

Oh, come on. You don’t think this ombudsman position will be anything more than a glorified Wal-Mart greeter, do you?

To gain union approval, the city cut a backroom deal that lets the organization screen all prospective overseers with a Guild Ombudsman Aptitude Test.

That’s GOAT, for short.

Luckily for you, I have obtained a copy. A careful examination of the questions and unusual scoring method may provide a clue as to why the Spokane Police Guild is suddenly so on board. (According to the Guild, only applicants with a GOAT rubber stamp quotient of at least 30 will be considered.)

1. In examining citizen complaints of police misconduct, an ombudsman must …

A. Listen to all sides. (1 rubber stamp.)

B. Listen to all sides with an open mind. (2 rubber stamps.)

C. Listen to all sides with an open mind before siding with the cops. (4 rubber stamps.)

2. My favorite movie about police work is …

A. “Serpico.” (1 rubber stamp.)

B. “Dirty Harry.” (2 rubber stamps.)

C. “L.A. Confidential” – except the ending where the goodie-goodie officers win. (4 rubber stamps.)

3. An ombudsman’s loyalty should be to …

A. The Public Safety Committee. (1 rubber stamp.)

B. Mayor Mary Verner. (2 rubber stamps.)

C. Guild warning: We know what you drive. We know where you live. (4 rubber stamps.)

4. The SPD’s official Taser setting is …

A. Stun. (1 rubber stamp.)

B. Medium rare. (2 rubber stamps.)

C. Holy HANFORD!!! (4 rubber stamps.)

5. After tabulating the ombudsman votes Friday, the Guild called KXLY-TV to report the results because …

A. KXLY-TV is the journalism gold standard. (1 rubber stamp.)

B. KXLY-TV is just a hop down the street from the Public Safety Building. (2 rubber stamps.)

C. Two words: “toothless watchdog.” (4 rubber stamps.)

6. Concerned about police welfare, the ombudsman believes that Spokane officers should …

A. Always conduct themselves with decorum and dignity. (1 rubber stamp.)

B. Always wear body armor. (2 rubber stamps.)

C. Holster that weapon before engaging in prowl car sex. (4 rubber stamps.)

7. As a Guild-approved ombudsman, my job description includes …

A. Regular meetings with the chief. (1 rubber stamp.)

B. Ride-alongs with working officers. (2 rubber stamps.)

C. Christmas shopping at the SPD property room. (4 rubber stamps.)

8. Police officers made a critical mistake during last Fourth of July’s encounter with Riverfront Park protesters by …

A. Overreacting to the situation. (1 rubber stamp.)

B. Conducting sloppy surveillance. (2 rubber stamps.)

C. Not zapping all those punks with multiple jolts of the ol’ Holy HANFORD!!! (4 rubber stamps.)