Believing the unbelievable in sports

Sport alternates between the fathomable and the unfathomable.

Fathomable: The Harlem Globetrotters never lose.

Unfathomable: The Houston Rockets never lose.

Here are some recent sporting occurrences, in descending order of fathomability.

1. John Daly is drunk again.

2. Prince Fielder is a vegetarian.

3. Harvard is reducing academic standards in order to win more basketball games.

•John Daly is drunk again. Two weeks ago during a rain delay at the PODS Championship, the 41-year-old golfer went into the hospitality tent and, uh, tapped the keg. Last week Daly’s swing coach, Butch Harmon, dropped him as a client, saying Daly cared more about booze than birdies. Then Daly missed his tee time for the pro-am at the Arnold Palmer Invitational.

Golf is one of four sports – along with bowling, billiards and poker* – in which some of the “athletes” occasionally can play better under the influence of alcohol.

(*-Technically, poker is not a sport, but it is a pursuit that best personifies our once-great nation. For poker is about risk/reward, and America was built on risk, baby! On the other hand, I’m tired of poker players walking around like they split the atom when all they did was outplay some sucker from Poughkeepsie post-flop.)

Daly carries a litany of burdens around with him:

He travels around aimlessly in his RV. He hits multiple balls into water hazards purposely. He has a gambling problem and a weight problem, and he smokes. He was charged with third-degree assault in an incident with his second wife, and his fourth wife – who he once said attacked him with a steak knife – pleaded guilty to federal drug charges. He’s been divorced three times.

Why wouldn’t he drink?

• Prince Fielder is a vegetarian. The Milwaukee Brewers’ 270-pound slugger has gone from a field of dreams to a field of greens.

Fielder, who did a cheeseburger commercial as a kid with his father Cecil, switched culinary lifestyles last month after reading a book his wife Chanel gave him touting vegetarianism and detailing the ills of meat processing.

Fielder joins a prominent list of vegans and vegetarians over the years:

Mahatma Gandhi, Sir Isaac Newton, Vincent van Gogh, Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, George Bernard Shaw, Thomas Edison, Leonardo da Vinci, Ralph Waldo Emerson, St. Francis of Assisi* and Woody Harrelson.

(*-I don’t mean to slight St. Francis, but isn’t vegetarianism an easy call for him? He’s a saint, for crying out loud. And he was known as the patron saint of animals and the environment – you think it looks good with the friars if he’s sidling up to Sizzler every Friday night?)

Anyway, I hate to be a tool for the beef industry, but the next National League MVP is not going to be eating wheat gluten burgers. Fielder hit 50 homers last season on a steady diet of steaks and tri-tip; I believe he’ll hit 28 homers this season on a steady diet of sprouts and tofu.

• Harvard is reducing academic standards in order to win more basketball games. According to the New York Times, Harvard has adopted aggressive recruiting tactics that may violate NCAA rules in an effort to get top-flight players who previously it would not admit.

So after 370-odd years in the business of very higher learning, the tweed jackets in Cambridge, Mass., have decided to dress down a bit and set their sights on – of all things – March Madness.

In other words, Harvard is following the blueprint of my misguided alma mater, Maryland*.

(*-As a rule, my Terrapins recruit semi-student-athletes – well, student-athletes who don’t graduate – which paid off with a national title in 2002. But it hasn’t worked as well lately, so I’m thinking we should drop the academic pretense and just bring in guys who can fill up the hoop and don’t have to go to class EVER.)

Harvard used to produce CEOs, now it strives for PTPers.

Or, as the old Latin expression goes, “Cogito, ergo sum – et defeatus Duke!”

Ask The Slouch

Q. I am a 13-year-old NHL fan and was wondering if you could get some of these trades done for me, because I was upset that they weren’t made before the deadline: Paul Ranger to the Rangers, Miroslav Satan to the Devils and Michael Nylander to the N.Y. Islanders. (Max Herz; Pittsburgh)

A. I’m sorry, what sport is this again?

Q. Do they even make black-and-white televisions anymore? (Georgann Woods; Memphis, Tenn.)

A. Actually, the black-and-white TV set remains the last line of defense against TNT’s Craig Sager.

Q. I’ve heard that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. What is the road to the Final Four paved with? (Rich Bruehlman; Allison Park, Pa.)

A. Fouls and timeouts.

Q. During Michael Vick’s NFL playing days, there was a great deal of talk about his “escapability.” Now that he’s incarcerated, is this a concern among prison officials? (Jim Anicas; Pittsburgh)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.