Annie’s Mailbox: Treat her ex as a pal, not a foe

Dear Annie: I have been dating “Siena” for five months and I care deeply about her, but she has an ex-husband, “Kevin,” and they are close. He has a key to her house and comes and goes when he wants. Siena cannot have a conversation without mentioning him. Both of them talk quite openly about special moments in their marriage. It’s difficult to listen to.

Siena is in the process of fixing up a house she recently bought. Kevin has been involved since the beginning, assisting in the remodeling efforts. When he talks about the house, he uses “we,” as in “we did this” or “we need to fix that.” It comes across as “their” house. I have been trying to help her as much as possible, hoping she will depend more on me and less on him. I am extremely uncomfortable with him around. It’s like they’re still married without the romance.

I know Siena loves me, but she doesn’t understand my frustration. For the last few weeks, I have had problems with insomnia, mostly because of this issue. I don’t want to lose her, but I’m not sure how much longer I can tolerate the time around Kevin. I don’t want to share her with him. – Three’s a Crowd

Dear Three’s a Crowd: Siena has not quite divorced herself from Kevin, but as long as there are no romantic sparks between them, you probably don’t need to worry. She seems to be treating him like a brother of whom she is fond. Put your antenna up and discern whether Kevin has ulterior motives for being around Siena. Does he want her back? Does he flirt with her? Does he gaze longingly in her direction? If so, you need to convince Siena that she is hurting Kevin by making him believe she is still interested. If not, consider “adopting” Kevin. It not only could allay your fears, but also generate a friendship. And try to fix him up with some eligible females.

Dear Annie: We are inundated with requests for donations for causes that are obviously good, but how can we differentiate among those we can trust to accomplish the most with our money? – Want To Help the Right People

Dear Want to Help: Thank you for asking. To find out if a charity has a good record and is worth your investment, contact: The American Institute of Philanthropy (charitywatch.org), P.O. Box 578460, Chicago, IL 60657-8460; Charity Navigator (charitynavigator.org), 1200 MacArthur Blvd., Second Floor, Mahwah, NJ 07430; GuideStar (guidestar.org), 4801 Courthouse St., Suite 220, Williamsburg, VA 23188; and The Better Business Bureau Wise Giving Alliance (give.org). Call your local BBB office or write The Council of Better Business Bureaus, 4200 Wilson Blvd., Suite 800, Arlington, VA 22203-1838.