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Doug Clark: Homegrown amenities for SpokAtraz
Demonstrating their lack of imagination, Spokane County commissioners unanimously decided the new jail should be built a few yards behind the old one.
This centralized downtown location, they argue, will be more cost-effective in matters like food service and more convenient for inmates getting loved ones to come on down and help with escapes.
Before voters agree to fork over upward of $90 million for a new six-story manacle motel, however, a number of questions need answering.
Questions like:
What in the sacred name of Martha Stewart do we get for all those greenbacks?
That’s where a big penal expert like me comes in.
So today I will release some of the details concerning this 5-star luxury lockup that the commissioners don’t want you to know about.
Details such as …
“Larry Craig Wing is pants-optional.
“Magic Fingers vibrating beds for good behavior.
“Continental breakfast has hash browns – with real hash!
“Monday is “Tattoo Your Knuckles Day.”
“Jail’s official “SpokAtraz” T-shirt designed by Boo Radley’s.
“Soap-on-a-rope distribution puts end to unwanted shower buddy contact.
“Nightly turndown service includes complimentary cigarette on every pillow.
“Visitation room carpet playfully patterned with chalk body outlines.
“Upon release, every felon offered free shuttle ride to downtown STA Plaza.
“Wednesday is “Pimp Your Cell” day.
“Snuggles fabric softener in jail laundry puts end to agony of orange jumpsuit chafing.
“With real weights in weight room, there’s no longer any acceptable reason to bench-press a cellmate.
“Monthly jailhouse lecture series to include: “Hiding Out on the Back Nine” by Spokane County Prosecutor Steve Tucker and “Coughing Your Way to Acquittal” by attorney Carl Oreskovich.
“Guards prefer to be called “donkey kick specialists.”
“Glock “nine” first art project for intermediate soap-carving class.
“Incoming inmates must watch “Midnight Express” orientation movie.
“Friday is “New Kids on the Cellblock” initiation day.
“Suicide watch vows to actually keep eye on distraught inmates.
“Peeping Tom wing faces conjugal visit rooms.
“Sixth-floor private penthouse reserved for Eddie Ray Hall.
“Remember: Three days off your next sentence just by mentioning my name.