Don’t ask how.
But The Slice was able to arrange an interview with Father Time. You won’t believe what he had to say. Let’s go right to the transcript of that exchange.
Q: So this is the weekend we set the clocks back. How do you feel about tinkering with the time?
A: Poppycock. Pure poppycock. You want to change your schedule? Fine. Knock yourself out. But leave the clocks alone.
Q: Isn’t it supposed to help conserve energy or something?
A: I can show you studies that refute that. Besides, since when have more than 5 percent of Americans been serious about conserving energy?
Q: Why does time seem to go by faster as we get older?
A: Before we get to that, there’s one more thing I want to say about daylight-saving time. First, that’s what it is called. Not daylight-savings time. It’s not a bank waiting for the taxpayers to give it some money. It’s just a bad idea embraced by lemmings.
OK, moving on. The reason time seems to go by faster as you get older is that you become experienced enough to recognize that life does, in fact, move at light speed. When you are young, you perceive things differently. You don’t understand. But when you are older, you know that today is practically tomorrow.
Q: Have you ever been to Spokane?
A: Oh, yes. Several times. My cousin, the Grim Reaper, owns a big resort hotel over in Idaho.
Q: Do most people regard you as a benevolent personification of time or do they view you as a repressive patriarch?
A: Oh, occasionally I hear rumblings about replacing me with someone selected by a diversity committee. But I think that’s really all about salary structures.
Q: Do your friends call you Father Time?
A: No, they call me Bud. Or Daddy T.
Q: Are you a morning person or a night owl?
A: The only time I stay up late anymore is New Year’s Eve.
Q: Is time travel possible?
A: With the right music, yes.
Q: What do you think of the expression, “time stood still”?
A: It’s absurd, except when you are in line behind someone ordering complicated coffee drinks.
Q: Any recommendations about what people should do with the “extra” hour this weekend?
A: Well, if you have their personal addresses, you could send an e-mail to everyone from the office, asking them to not dump their Halloween leftovers on your workplace Monday. Or you could take a nap.
Q: What’s your favorite movie?
A: “High Noon.”
Q: Oh, sure. Because of the clock?
A: No, you idiot. Because of Grace Kelly.
■Today’s Slice question: How many trick-or-treaters did you get?