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The Slice: Topical traffic cops required

I’m worried about Thanksgiving.

My fear is that there will be even more arguing than usual.

Here’s why.

Coming, as it does, in the same month as one of the most contentious elections in history, certain ground rules for this year’s holiday will be obvious.

You know, no talking about politics.

Even an absolute dope should be able to figure out that, this year, such conversation could get nasty in a hurry. So everyone who isn’t actually spoiling for a fight will know better than to go there.

And those considerate enough to avoid discussing politics can usually be counted on to remember that religion is the other classic best-to-avoid combustible.

Which brings me to my point.

This heightened awareness of the need to steer clear of the traditional fightin’ words carries with it the risk of producing a false sense of security. That is, people being scrupulously careful to avoid talking about politics or religion might well feel that it’s perfectly OK to bring up studded tires or boldly suggest that, even in Spokane, pedestrians have a right to live.

Big mistake.

You see, the conversation doesn’t have to veer toward guns, abortion or fluoride to suddenly cast a chill on what should be a warm, happy occasion.

So here’s my proposal. This year, everyone in your extended family should draw up a list of topics that should not be discussed. You know, subjects that each individual identifies as being apt to offend him or her.

All the lists will be submitted to a designated Thanksgiving Referee. That person will be charged with monitoring conversations and calling a halt to exchanges headed for dangerous waters.

It might be helpful if the TR has a whistle or football-like penalty flags.

Just imagine. “TWEEEET! Sorry. Jill’s list makes it clear that she doesn’t want to hear Uncle Ted’s theory about why day care produces future felons.”

And so on.

Sure, that could make for a somewhat uptight, censored gathering. But would you rather have Aunt Ava and Grandma June screaming at each other over pumpkin pie?

In a better world, we could discuss any issue without getting angry. We could debate important policy matters and social trends without repeating lies and calling each other names.

But until we inhabit such a magical realm, it’s worth remembering that avoiding politics and religion is just the start.

To have a truly happy Thanksgiving, you might want to steer clear of talking about cell phones and personal watercraft, too.

At least until after someone has said grace.

•Today’s Slice question: Will Inland Northwest kids be ready for the increasingly multicultural future?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; fax (509) 459-5098; e-mail pault@spokesman.com. Breakfast in bed sounds like a good idea, but isn’t.

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