Something to look down on

It can’t get any worse, can it?

Oh, sure it can.

It will.

It has.

What may seem in our corner of the college football world to be unprecedented suckage this season has in fact been sampled previously in all corners and crossroads of this great country of ours.

And what makes it a great country?

That two teams with a combined won-lost record of 1-20 can play for a trophy.

This would be Washington and Washington State squaring off Saturday for the Apple Cup, which is no doubt undergoing some last-minute rustproofing at this minute lest it break apart in the governor’s hands at the postgame presentation.

Yes, she’ll be giving it to somebody. Even if it goes to overtime, they’ll play tiebreakers until one team is ahead – no matter how long it takes. That may be why it was scheduled for a noon kickoff.

In the ramp-up to this showdown that threatens to ruin the feng shui of the entire college football season, let’s try to answer two key questions:

Are the Cougars the worst college football team in history?

OK, a followup to that question: Why are we picking on the Cougars and not the Huskies?

Well, because Las Vegas oddsmakers have installed the Cougs as touchdown underdogs … at home … to a team that hasn’t won a game all season. This is like getting cast as a dead body in a covered casket in a movie that will go straight to video, and then getting cut out of the final print.

So, back to the original question – and the answer is, of course not.

The 1991 Prairie View A&M Panthers, in the heart of an 80-game losing streak, gave up 56 points a game. The Macalester Scots of 1997 lost a game 97-6, part of a 50-game slide. Oberlin scored 10 points in the entire 1994 season. Notre Dame once hired Gerry Faust.

But today we’re concerning ourselves with football as it’s played in the six BCS conferences, in which the playing field is supposed to be even – although it simply isn’t. This eliminates the 2003 Army Black Knights – yes, think of the one in the Monty Python flick – who used to play with the big boys but at that time were members of Conference USA. Still, 0-13 deserves honorable mention.

And in the BCS context, the Cougars are certainly making a case for themselves. With two games to play, they are but 33 points short of the all-time Division I record for points allowed in a season (566, set a few years back by Eastern Michigan). In their 10 defeats, they’ve been outscored by more than 39 points a game. Six times they have surrendered 58 or more points.

But technically, Wazzu could win this weekend. And that would change everything.

It would open the door for a number of contenders (see accompanying chart). But the title would likely revert to the 1981 Northwestern Wildcats, who lost 11 games by an average of 38.5 points and were shut out five times. Here’s how bad it got for the Mildcats: fans tore down the goalposts after a 61-14 loss to Michigan State, possibly hoping to avert any more football.

Just remember, Coug fans, imitation is the sincerest form of futility.

Bringing us to question No. 2:

Is this the worst trophy game in college football history?

In terms of outcome nothing will ever rival the 0-0 tie Oregon and Oregon State played to in 1983 for truly terrible football, but those teams actually won six games that season. So it could almost be seen in hindsight as an accident – though if you saw either the Ducks or Beavers that year, you knew it wasn’t.

One expert on a national website has already declared this year’s Apple Cup to be the worst BCS rivalry game ever, and considering the combined record and the combined scores – would you believe 278-932? – it’s certainly in the photo. Still, it isn’t even a clearcut winner for worst in Apple Cup history seeing as the 1969 teams entered the game a combined 1-17 – and Wazzu’s victory was a one-pointer over Illinois, which lost every game that year.

Besides, the good people of Kansas may beg to differ.

Twenty years ago, Kansas and Kansas State brought identical 0-8 records to Lawrence for the Governor’s Cup – hey, lousy game, lousy name. The Jayhawks prevailed 30-12, then went on to lose their last two games – as did the Wildcats. But the real travesty occurred the year before, when 1-7 Kansas (the win was a one-pointer over little Southern Illinois) traveled to 0-8 Kansas State – the two coming off a sweep at the hands of the Oklahoma schools by a count of 127-17.

“It meant so little,” Kansas center Chip Budde was quoted as saying a year ago, “that it turned into meaning a whole lot.”

It was a game that lived down to the hype. Neither team gained as much as 300 yards. Each turned the ball over four times. Kansas State threw an interception with 76 seconds to go just 23 yards from the end zone. Kansas fumbled it back three plays later. Then K-State’s Mark Porter – who had already missed two field goals – lined up for a 37-yarder and had it blocked by a basketball player, Marvin Mattox. Instead of trying to pick it up and run for a touchdown, KU freshman Kyle Schenker fell on the loose ball to preserve a 17-17 tie.

“It was,” said Jayhawk Mark Koncz, “almost a sense of, ‘Wow, we both really are the worst.’ ”

Now that’s the spirit.