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Toasting, err, roasting the ’08 Apple Cup

Trying to wedge himself into Apple Cup lore, a 1988 graduate of Washington State named Mitch Cooper launched an Internet petition asking Fox Sports Northwest to not televise this year’s game.

Imagine if it succeeded. Imagine surfing through the cable lineup today looking for another game and landing on Channel 60 to find in progress …

Comedy Central’s Roast of the Apple Cup!

Host Jimmy Kimmel: “Carrot Top was going to be here, but all he had for props was a set of goalposts and they won’t be needing those at the Apple Cup. And we couldn’t get Jeffrey Ross or Greg Giraldo or Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, so we’ll just unabashedly steal their jokes – the royalty check’s in the mail, guys. Now on to our only roaster … You may remember him from ‘The Gong Show,’ which means this is actually a step down for him, hard as that may be to believe. … But he’s here because this is a game at which it’s required to wear a paper bag over your head … The Unknown Comic!”

Unknown Comic: “Jimmy Kimmel, everybody. Jimmy, Jay Leno called and wants to know where to forward your mail.

“What a great group of roasters. I know Paul Sorensen wanted to be on the dais, but they needed actual celebrities.

“And I’d like to give a special shout-out to the press corps covering this roast. Welcome guys. Uh, you do know they make 1 percent milk now, right?

“I’ll keep it short because Jim Walden already did all my best stuff.

“I’m just glad we’re still on the air. I hear they canceled the Apple Cup rally at the casino because they sold only 21 tickets. There was a bigger crowd trying out for scout team quarterback at Washington State.

“There’s a rumor that HBO was going to spin a series off this Apple Cup, but they already had a show named ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm.’

“No, I’m kidding – this is a must-see game. In fact, you need to experience it in hi-def. Because to enjoy it, you’re going to have to be high and deaf. If only they had hi-blind.

“Boy, these are some terrible football teams, huh? I won’t say the worst, but the last time the Cougars were this bad, their helmets were made out of bark.

“And Washington, man, are you guys crummy. The Seahawks look at you and feel good about themselves.

“I know Husky fans thought Ty Willingham would get it turned around this year, but those hopes disappeared faster than a Ziploc full of hydrocodone at Dr. Feelgood’s office.

“Ty Willingham, everybody – he’s out of a job and has no charisma. Watch your back, George Bush.

“I’m kidding, Ty. I know you were a big success at Stanford and you’re just like Bill Walsh, except without all that genius baggage.”

“And Paul Wulff – Paul, you leave Eastern Washington where there’s no pressure and you have a chance to win the national championship to take the job at Washington State. Who’s your career counselor, Paul – Shelley Long? David Lee Roth? Craig Kilborn?

“I know the Cougars’ problems don’t all fall at Paul’s feet. The program was in shambles when he got to Pullman. The coach before him, Bill Doba, is so unpopular on the Internet now that even Tom won’t be his friend on MySpace.

“Paul, your athletic director, Jim Sterk, wanted to do his part to get the Cougs turned around. He tried to schedule Old Navy.

“And you players, I know you’re still in there plugging, but c’mon – you’re a combined 1-20.

“I don’t want to say the UW roster is full of guys nobody’s heard of, but Luke Kravitz is to football what Lenny Kravitz is to football.

“And you Cougs, Matt Mullennix and Ben Woodard – are you ever going to run out of eligibility? What is this, your seventh year? I’ve seen younger faces on cash.

“It’s been a tough year for the Cougars’ defensive line. Opponents have punched more holes in it than prosecutors did with Kevin Coe’s alibis.

“And you Huskies – jack-o’-lanters hung in there longer this fall than you did.

“I hear they’re unveiling a ‘Cougar Pride’ tribute today outside Martin stadium. It’s 11-foot tall and made out of bronze, and after the ceremony it’s starting at defensive tackle.

“When Cougars fans do the ‘Jaws’ arm clap, is that to symbolize what the bond market is doing to the financing plan for the stadium upgrade?

“Speaking of stadiums, it’s hard to believe the golden age of Husky Stadium was when the upper deck collapsed in 1987.

“I guess it’s really in bad shape. The school plans to go to the Legislature for $150 million to patch it up – plus $4.95 for a roll of yellow caution tape to put around the coach’s office.

“How much are they going to have to pay to fill that job? Gary Pinkel just got a raise to $2.5 million at Missouri. Throw in Ty’s buyout and the Huskies will have dropped more coin than my 90-year-old grandfather trying to plug a parking meter.

“Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve been a great audience – a better audience than this game deserves. And in honor of the late George Carlin, I’d like to leave you with another seven words you’re never going to hear on television: “This is the greatest Apple Cup ever.”