Arrow-right Camera


Wait … this vampire flick is totally unrealistic

Tue., Nov. 25, 2008

No fangs?

My handful of popcorn froze midair a few minutes before midnight last Thursday while my brain cells attempted to digest the content of those two words. I turned to my left and stared at the woman sitting next to me in this River Park Square cinema.

Judy Heid. She’s the reason I gave up sleep to attend a special sneak-peek showing of “Twilight,” the movie that is based on a series of romance novels that have a nation of teenage girls going batty over vampires.

Heid is also a huge “Twilight” fan. Apparently many adult women have been bitten as well.

Here’s a taste of the e-mail she sent me:

“What are you doing this Thursday night at midnight?

“… If you think you’d enjoy tagging along with a few middle-aged moms … we’d love to explain the magic of Edward and Bella to you.”

I surprised Heid by jumping at the chance. See, I’ve been a lifelong sucker for vampire movies since I watched the original “Dracula” as a kid when it aired on local TV.

“Dracula” is still the blood-sucking gold standard, as far as I’m concerned.

Heid was very sweet to invite me to tag along with her group, which included a pastor’s wife and a couple of young married college students. Her revelation about “Twilight” vampires being fangless, however, put me off.

A vampire movie without fangs?

That’s like Hillary Clinton without a pantsuit.

That’s like Paris Hilton without a sex tape.

That’s like the Spokane City Council without blowhards.

That’s like a WSU football fan without deep remorse.

Heid was correct, alas. There wasn’t fang one to be seen in this flick. And for me the disappointments didn’t end there.

“Twilight” vamps, I discovered, don’t sleep away the day in coffins.

That’s because sunlight doesn’t fry them. They only sparkle like glitter-wearing drag queens in a Mardi Gras parade.

Brooding is what the “Twilight” undead are best at.

Being teens when they were turned into vampires, they keep on attending high schools year after year. They say it’s so they can fit in with society.

I think it’s because the vampires can’t pass the WASL, either.

Remember that old teen TV show, “Beverly Hills, 90210?”

Think of “Twilight” as the vampire version – “902-type O.”

Here’s the basic plot.

Girl meets vampire; girl falls for vampire; girl begs vampire to chomp her; vampire loves her too much to give in to his nutritional needs.

All the deep, meaningful gazes and heaving, throbbing tension make teenage fans (and middle-aged moms) swoon.

Not me, though. I have some serious “Twilight” concerns. And at the risk of being torn asunder by a feminine mob, I will present them.

Edward – the movie’s hot vampire love hunk – only looks like an angst-ridden teenager.

In fact, he’s more than a century old.

Now I ask you. What in the name of Bela Lugosi is a geezer doing playing footsy with a luscious high school girl?

Spokane not long ago tossed a middle-aged mayor out of office for hitting on high school kids. Are we supposed to now turn a blind eye to this cinematic age-inappropriate relationship?

Edward has no business dating Bella. If his vampire powers included scruples he’d be hanging around nursing homes getting it on with gals more his own age.

What we have here is the worst case of arrested development since Pee-wee Herman.

Bella and Edward, even if they do hook up, won’t have anything to talk about once the initial bloodlust wears off.

Bella: Oh, Edward. Isn’t President-elect Obama cool?

Edward: He’s all right, my Muffin. But when it comes to cool, nobody holds a candle to Cal Coolidge.

Bella: Who?

Edward: Calvin Coolidge, my little dunderhead. Without a doubt one of America’s sexiest presidents.

Bella: Whatever.

Edward: Honestly, Bella, you kids today with your ungrammatical texting and stupid Facebooks are more brainless than a bag of buffalo chips.

Bella: Aw, bite me.

Edward: Can’t. Don’t have fangs.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or

Click here to comment on this story »