Happy Thanksgiving and welcome to our third installment of Ask Professor Pilgrim.
Once again, the professor is filling in for Doug Clark, who has already lapsed into an alcohol-induced state of holiday indolence.
Before Professor Pilgrim answers your Turkey Day questions, however, the government has asked us to announce the following closures:
The U.S. Post Office, downtown Spokane panhandling, the Republican Party, the Eddie Ray Hall Fleeing Felon Fun Run …
Good. Now let us begin.
Q. Speaking of Eddie Ray, the cops nabbed the infamous escaped jailbird Tuesday night outside a quickie mart. What the heck was he doing there?
A. The convenience store was running a meth chef’s pre-Thanksgiving sale on Sudafed.
Q. I heard the cops had to shoot Eddie Ray in the head with one of those beanbag guns. Why’d they do that?
A. Out of concern for Eddie Ray’s safety. Cops know shooting him in the head wouldn’t do any damage.
Q. The astronauts will spend Thanksgiving on the International Space Station. Are they fixing a special holiday meal?
A. Only if they can get that new NASA “urine-to-gravy” machine working.
Q. Every year I go to my in-laws’ for Thanksgiving. And every year they overcook their turkey until it’s drier than King Tut’s mummified undies. Is there anything I can do?
A. Two things: Drink heavily and learn the Heimlich maneuver.
Q. Are you a white meat or a dark meat fan?
A. Professor Pilgrim has been known to swing both ways as long as the breasts are natural.
Q. Uh, we are still talking about turkeys, right?
A. What? Oh, yes. Turkeys. Absolutely.
Q. The Merriam-Webster online dictionary people chose “bailout” as their word of the year. Do you have a favorite Thanksgiving word?
A. Actually I have two: “binge” and “purge.”
Q. That’s repulsive, Professor Pilgrim.
A. Maybe. But there’s no better way to enjoy your meal twice.
Q. My Thanksgiving guest list includes two vegetarians, five meat eaters, a rabbi, a priest and my menopausal mother-in-law. Any suggestions on how to keep the peace?
A. See if that cop who nailed Eddie Ray will loan you his beanbag gun.
Q. The turkey we bought was certified as “free-range and organic.” What does that mean?
A. This means your turkey was fed only natural turkey food and given a clean, roomy place to live.
Q. Was this done to give my turkey a better flavor?
A. Naw. This was done to give your turkey a false sense of security so it wouldn’t struggle when it was time to chop its fool head off.
Q. I’m thankful for family and friends. What are you thankful for, Professor Pilgrim?
A. Liquor bottles with handles. Pants with elastic waistbands.
Q. I was slathering my Butterball with butter when that temperature thingy popped out. Does that mean my bird is done?
A. No, but this Professor Pilgrim’s column certainly is.