The Slice: Coach Bickel leads the charge

For the text of my Black Friday pep talk to shoppers, I want to quote my ninth-grade football coach:

“Put a hat on him!”

He said that a lot. Literally, it was an order to ram your helmet into the guy you were trying to block or tackle. I came to regard it as an all-purpose exhortation.

I don’t know if this tactic is even within the rules anymore. But I can still hear Coach Bickel yelling.

“Put a hat on him!”

So, in lieu of a more inspirational message for those who will be engaging in full-contact retail activity today, I’ll leave you with that.

If you actually crouch and then drive into another shopper, a security guard will probably throw you out of the store. But you get the idea.

If you are going to compete, you might as well give it your all.

“Put a hat on him!”

It’s just another way of saying “Merry Christmas.”

•State your case: A colleague was back in the Midwest recently when he was asked an unusual question.

“Spokane … is that in Washington or Washington state?”

Realizing that he faced a choice between conducting a potentially black-hole geography class or moving forward with his life, my colleague simply answered that Spokane is in Washington state.

What would you have said?

A) “Unless you are referring to the District of Columbia or the Evergreen State’s two largest public universities, Washington and Washington state are the same thing.” B) “I’d better figure that out before heading home.” C) “Yeah.” D) “It’s a little bit south of Saskatoon.” E) “Spokane exists in a state of altered consciousness.” F) Other.

•Just a thought: If everyone adopts a policy of sending Christmas cards only as a reply to those who mailed them one this year, the whole situation can be kept under control.

•When eagle watching, it’s best to avoid: 1. Telling 3-year-olds that the big birds like to grab little kids by the hair and fly off with them. 2. Trying to imitate an eagle’s screech. 3. Yelling “Dee-Fense!” at the fish in the lake. 4. Deciding that the bird you see in your binoculars is named Caitlyn. 5. Trying to convince other eagle-watchers that the birds recognize you from years past.

•Today’s Slice question: You have today off from work because …

A) Everybody does. B) You work many other holidays and arranged for this far in advance. C) You love your family more than your co-workers love their families. D) You’re just special. E) Nobody really notices what you do anyway. F) It’s your turn. G) Other.