Eddie Ray’s civic contributions can’t be overlooked
I fear I’m getting a reputation.
Some of you out there are beginning to see repeat offender Eddie Ray Hall and yours truly as some sort of perpetual comedy duo.
You know, like Abbott and Costello. Rowan and Martin.
Palin and Fey …
Consider these e-mails that rolled my way after news broke that Spokane County’s most infamous desperado had been busted again.
“Hi Doug. I see Eddie Ray Hall’s back in the Tank. Time for you to get back to work,” wrote Nick.
“Ah well,” observed Mike, “maybe Eddie can provide fodder for another column, huh?”
“Your favorite criminal just cost the taxpayers another piece of change,” added Jock.
Man, I can’t believe the cops arrested Eddie Ray on Monday. The poor guy was trying so hard to go straight.
Unfortunately, Eddie Ray was sitting in his ’93 Pontiac Bonneville at the time and drove it straight into an undercover detective’s car.
Good thing Eddie Ray wasn’t talking on his cell phone or they’d have really thrown the book at him.
The newspaper reported that Eddie Ray faces a variety of charges including “evidence of drug possession.”
There’s a shocker.
Come on. We’re talking about Eddie Ray Hall, a man who has consumed more illegal substances than the Sturgis biker rally.
No evidence of drug possession would be a sign that the Universe was about to explode.
But getting back to our relationship …
It’s true I’ve written more than a few columns regarding Eddie Ray’s 40-some arrests, dozen-plus convictions, bail jumping, million-dollar tab to the taxpayers, escapes from custody …
I even recorded a parody to the tune of the Johnny Cash classic “I Walk the Line” to document Hall’s criminal exploits in song.
(Hear it at www.spokesmanreview.com.)
But this doesn’t make Eddie Ray my “favorite.” What it means is that ERH has become a force of criminal nature that can’t be ignored.
Consider the following little-known facts about this legend we call Eddie Ray Hall:
•Eddie Ray is such a Spokane County Jail regular that guards place complimentary soap-on-a-rope on his pillow to welcome him on his first night back in the slammer.
•Once he has served his time, Eddie Ray gets to use a convenient Express Jail Checkout form that’s slid under his cell door.
•Police have advised Eddie Ray of his rights so often that they nicknamed his mullet “Miranda.”
•According to the 2007 Guinness Book of World Records, Eddie Ray Hall has been in and out of more handcuffs than Houdini.
•Eddie Ray often carries Krispy Kreme donuts in order to tip his arresting officers.
•“Meth Cooking for Dummies” is Eddie Ray’s favorite book in the jail library.
•The last time Eddie Ray rammed an undercover police car was during his brief tenure as a high school driver’s ed instructor.
•Eddie Ray once received an extra six months for playing the “pull my finger” joke on the sentencing judge.
•A Spokane County deputy prosecutor once blew out his back trying to win a bet that he could clean and jerk the entire Eddie Ray Hall case file.
•Eddie Ray’s latest meth binge is linked to his huge disappointment in not getting the lead in Civic Theater’s current production of “Oklahoma.”
•“Looking back,” Eddie Ray once told a friend, “if I knew I had such a knack for ripping people off I would’ve run for Spokane County commissioner.”
Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.