Deal with costs before moving in together
Dear Carolyn: After a few years of dating, my partner and I are talking about living together. I would be glad to sell my place and move into hers. I really only need space enough for a computer, a dozen items on hangers and a couple of drawers. If she felt like moving into my place, I could happily part with most of the stuff in my house.
She feels it would be best to start fresh, where neither of us (or our exes) has ever lived. I find this quite sensible and agreeable.
My irrationality balloon totally burst when we started talking about price ranges. Typically, couples buy or rent places that cost more than either individual could afford. I understand how and why this happens. I just do not like it. Becoming part of a couple does not change what I can afford.
I really feel this is about being principled, not about being cheap or distrustful. She just cannot see herself living with me in any of the places that either of us could afford. I have a hard time contemplating that such a wonderful relationship could be jeopardized by such a mundane issue. What can I do? – Muddled in Madison
You can recognize that it’s not a mundane issue. It’s the convergence of several issues, none of which is mundane.
It’s about values. It’s about respect for each other’s needs. It’s about knowing each other. And ultimately, it’s about trusting each other.
It starts with the values. You value financial security and are willing to compromise some comfort to have it. She values comfort and is willing to compromise some financial security to have it. And while it’s easy to pick sides and say that of course financial security is more important than comfort, I won’t go that far without having seen what you can afford. A crime-afflicted neighborhood, a two-hour commute, a cramped efficiency – any one of these price trade-offs can be a persuasive argument for assuming at least some extra financial risk.
Which brings us to respecting each other’s needs. Are you proposing you live like (or with) rodents, or is she being a prima donna? Is she demanding extravagance, or are you being cheap? If the truth is somewhere between these extremes, then your meeting-halfway point is in there, too.
If, on the other hand, the truth is what you imply in your letter – that she believes your price limit is really just preparation for a possible breakup – then it’s no longer about you two as individuals, but about you two as a couple.
That’s because such a suspicion on her part can mean one of only two things: that you’re hedging against a breakup and merely professing to be risk-averse by nature, or you really are risk-averse by nature and your girlfriend doesn’t have the remotest idea who you really are.
And this is how your little price-range tiff becomes a potentially deal-breaking issue of trust: Your strength as a couple depends on representing yourselves honestly to each other, and then sharing a love based on those truths.
If you two are suspicious of what each of you wants here and why, that’s a trust breakdown – one best dealt with while each of you has your own place.