Look. Don’t figure for a second that I’m unsympathetic to the plight of those who have been attacked by those nefarious canines known as pit bulls.
My thoughts go out to each and every victim.
But Nancy Sonduck’s proposal to ban new members of the breed from Spokane city limits is not the way to correct the situation.
Pit bulls aren’t the problem.
Sleazoid owners – that’s the problem.
Ask yourself a question: When’s the last time you saw a pit bull owner who didn’t look like a member of the Manson Family?
I thought so.
Unsavory pit bull owners are part of the landscape. Most of them are punks who use the brawny dogs to bolster their dubious manhood.
So here’s my plan.
I say we don’t allow anyone to own a pit bull until he or she has been certified as Pit Bull Worthy. And to achieve that status you must pass my Pit Bull Ownership Aptitude Exam. If you’re thinking of getting a pit bull, please answer the questions honestly. Scoring will take place at the conclusion of the test.
1. My tattoos include …
A. Skull and crossbones. (1 point.)
B. Swastika. (5 points.)
C. The word “Mom,” but it’s misspelled. (15 points.)
2. My last visit to a dentist was …
A. Sometime back in the 1980s. (1 point.)
B. I think Clinton was president. (5 points.)
C. Too much meff. Got no teef. (15 points.)
3. The last time cops broke down the front door was …
A. Oh, it’s been ages and ages. (1 point.)
B. That case was expunged as part of a plea agreement. (5 points.)
C. The cops are still in my living room. (15 points.)
4. I need a pit bull to protect me from …
A. Burglars. (1 point.)
B. My mother-in-law. (5 points.)
C. The DEA. (15 points.)
5. My favorite dog movie of all time is …
A. Beethoven. (1 point.)
B. Dog Day Afternoon. (5 points.)
C. Cujo. (15 points.)
6. A man suffering a seizure was saved when his German shepherd dialed 911. I’ll teach my pit bull to …
A. Roll over and shake. (1 point.)
B. Roll over and shake the repo man. (5 points.)
C. Fetch the crack pipe. (15 points.)
7. The difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom vice presidential candidate is …
A. Lipstick. (1 point.)
B. Really cool Japanese eyewear. (5 points.)
C. Vladimir Putin is afraid of a pit bull. (15 points.)
8. I promise to feed my pit bull the very best …
A. Kibbles ’n Bits. (1 point.)
B. Kibbles ’n Kittens. (5 points.)
C. Kibbles ’n Mailmen. (15 points.)
9. When I get a pit bull I’ll name him …
A. Satan. (1 point.)
B. Hitler. (5 points.)
C. Dick Cheney. (15 points.)
10. I feel a deep desire to own a pit bull because …
A. I want to help restore the image of this much maligned and misunderstood breed. (1 point.)
B. I’m a badass. My dawg’s gotta be a badass, too. (5 points.)
C. My hero is Michael Vick. (15 points.)
OK. Let’s tally your score. If you got 10 points or fewer – congratulations! You are responsible enough to own a pit bull. If your score is 35-plus points, please report to SpokAnimal. We’d like to put you in a cage with several of the meanest pit bulls until you are rehabilitated. Those of you who scored 70 and above don’t need a pit bull. You probably have five or six already.