Find compromise with husband’s activities
Dear Annie: I have been married for 16 years and have three young children. My husband works 12-hour rotating shifts and is gone from the house at least 15 hours a day.
My problem is, on his days off, my husband volunteers to referee local football and basketball games. This starts in October and goes through March. He’s gone three nights a week, and there are some weekend games that are 300 miles away, necessitating an overnight stay – and that’s not counting out-of-town playoff games.
He leaves me home with the kids and expects me to do all the carpooling. My 12-year-old is signed up for basketball and swimming, and now he wants to play hockey.
I don’t feel it’s fair for me to be stuck with all this. I never get a break. I have even threatened to leave if he doesn’t stop. We are always financially in the hole because he has to pay for uniforms, gas, motel, dry-cleaning and wear and tear on the car. My husband refuses to quit, saying he enjoys it.
Am I stuck with this self-centered man? How can I get him to spend more time with us? I love him but feel neglected, and it’s obvious he doesn’t care. I’m ready to pack it up. Please help. – Confused Out West
Dear Confused: Of course your husband enjoys this. It allows him to play games and escape his family responsibilities. If he has a stressful job, it’s understandable he would need to blow off steam. But it is unfair and immature to do so much of it that you and the children are abandoned. The two of you should work out a compromise where he referees fewer games or just one sport. Even better, suggest he get involved in his children’s athletic activities instead.
Dear Annie: I am writing in response to the letter from “Facing Reality,” the 14-year-old girl who is afraid of dying.
I went through the exact same thing, starting at age 4 and lasting well into my 30s. People said, “You will get over it,” or, “You are not going to die for a long time.”
My fears were quite frequent and very intense, and fortunately I was finally put on medication that helped enormously. Please tell her I’ve been there, too, and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. – Faced Reality
Dear Faced: Anything that becomes such an obsession that it interferes with daily life may require counseling or medication. Thanks for pointing it out.
Dear Readers: Today is Family Day (casafamilyday.org). Studies show that children who eat dinner with their parents have a reduced risk of substance abuse. Please try to make meals a family event.