Butting in depends how close you are

Dear Carolyn: My fiance and I are getting married in a few months. One of the friends we invited just found out that another of our friends (who is also invited) has been having an affair with his wife. My fiance and I are worried about what may happen if they see each other there. They both have responded that they will be attending – and the married man will be bringing another woman. So how do we proceed? Do we risk butting into business we should not even know about? Do we politely ask the friend who was having an affair to not come out of respect for us, in order to not cause a scene? None of the principals knows that we know. – Wedding Worries

I can’t decide if this question is easier than it looks, or harder.

A lot of it depends on what worries you and your fiance – that someone will get hurt emotionally, or physically, or just that they’ll make a scene?

That’s because the main issue is whether any of these warrants your parachuting into these men’s private lives to issue wedding instructions. And that has different answers depending on who they are and how close you are to them.

If you’re not that close and you’re not concerned about a duel on your rented dance floor, then I don’t think it’s your place to cruise-direct their potential meeting – not based on a second- or third- or whatever-hand tip.

If you are close, then this isn’t the time to think like a host; it’s time to think like a friend. Maybe the cuckolded guy would appreciate it if you reached out to see how he was doing, invited him over, asked if everything’s OK at home – you have his reply, after all, indicating that his wife isn’t coming. I would even consider copping to what you’ve been told; these upheavals are hard enough without the added sting of finding out later on that your friends all played dumb. He might respond well to the gesture, and if he responds badly, at least you’ll know you were straight with the guy at a time when, apparently, few others were.

In the event this isn’t practical – if you’re not that close, say, or he doesn’t live nearby – then you rely on the only firsthand knowledge you have: You know the two men involved in this mess, and, presumably, their tempers, both before and after a few drinks. If you have any cause to fear violence, then please do consider warning them both.