Creepy crimes call for equally creepy sentences

Anyone who has ever listened to talk radio or their loud-mouthed, half-drunken relatives at Thanksgiving knows that the American judicial system doesn’t work.

One of the big flaws is that criminals don’t get enough jail time. Especially the miscreants who do things that make me feel like I’ve consumed a large plate of spoiled sushi.

After several hours of thought, I’ve come up with a new mandatory sentencing plan designed to dish out harsher punishment to these jackasses who flat-out give me the willies.

This week, for example, I’ve read two stories that definitely fall into the jackass category.

The first appeared under the headline: “Police seek man who demanded kiss.”

Apparently a 19-year-old woman was walking down a street, minding her own business, when some stranger grabbed her by the shoulders. According to the story, the guy then hugged her and demanded that she give him a smooch.

Fortunately the woman was saved from being salivated on when some pedestrians came along. Her scream scared the boozed-up* masher away.

(*I don’t really know if the guy had been drinking. I’m just assuming he was because this incident took place in Pullman.)

The next story occurred in Spokane Valley. It was headlined, “Burglar leaves stinky calling card.”

The first sentence should tell you all you need to know.

“A burglar urinated and defecated on desktops and inside drawers during a late-night break-in that caused nearly $100,000 in damage to a Spokane Valley business last week.”

I know the economy is bad. But this is not how the flow of commerce is supposed to work.

Before going any further, let’s all bow our heads a moment and say a prayer for the poor souls who get stuck on the cleaning crew.

I wouldn’t touch that job with a flamethrower.

Yet here’s the thing.

Say the police eventually catch these idiots. You know as well as I do that whatever punishment is meted out will never reflect the sheer creepiness of their crimes.

The Pullman Pucker Perv will probably get a suspended slap on the wrist for attempted assault and flattery.

And the Spokane Valley Poopetrator?

Sure, he’ll get some hard time for burglary and aggravated vandalism.

But as far as I’m concerned that won’t even make up for the smell. And that’s where my Ick Factor Sentencing Scale comes in.

This would add a mandatory year or even two to the sentence of any jerk who makes me set down my coffee cup and say, “Ick!”

All a judge has to do is dial my number and ask me if the guilty party meets the criteria. Mornings are best to call. That’s when I’m drinking coffee and reading the newspaper.

I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking, what makes me so qualified to dole out Ick Factor justice?

Well, in 30-plus years of journalism I’ve been exposed to all sorts of aberrant behavior.

Take the winter fisherman I once interviewed while standing next to a frostbitten North Idaho river.

The guy told me he used live maggots for bait, but that wasn’t the gross part. Oh, no. The gross part was when I asked him how he kept his bait from freezing.

The guy just grinned.

Then he pulled his lower lip open so I could see five or six of his pale wriggling pals.

I know ick when I see it.

In my view the Pullman kissing bandit would merit one full year in a crowded jail while wearing a T-shirt that says, “Kiss Me, I’m Yours.”

And I’d tag two extra years on whatever sentence the potty burglar gets. Plus there’d be an additional year of probationary work cleaning dirty honey buckets.

With his own toothbrush.