Don’t fear, Trojans fans, title possible
Our nation is in crisis: Endless war, economic turmoil and, of course, the Bowl Championship Series.
Eventually, with a bit of luck, terrorism will be suppressed and global financial woes will be subdued, but figuring out who’s No. 1 in college football remains a puzzling, problematic nightmare.
And though the first BCS standings will not be released until Oct. 19, Couch Slouch is knee-deep in gridiron rubbish:
•I live in Los Angeles and sometimes root for an earthquake, so Pete Carroll and USC will float out to sea. Every year we’re told the Trojans have the greatest collection of talent in America and every year they lose to a 25-point underdog like Oregon State. For all of the Trojans’ dominance – they are a staggering 72-9 the past six-plus seasons – they have won exactly one BCS title in that time.
As always, the Trojans are four-deep at every skill position. How much of a running back factory is USC? I believe they tore down the school’s engineering lab and built a running back factory.
Heck, Pete Carroll is the only coach in the nation with an offensive coordinator, defensive coordinator and full-time legal coordinator.
•So what if USC was beaten by a team that lost to Penn State by 31 points? The Trojans still could be national champions. In college football, it doesn’t matter when you lose or who you lose to – if you’re a traditional power, you’re never out of the hunt. Trust me, if NBC ever gets rights to the BCS title game, Notre Dame will slip into it with a 7-3-1 record.
What, you think I jest? Uh, do you remember last season?
USC lost at home to 41-point underdog Stanford in October, yet, if the Trojans didn’t lose to Oregon later that month, they would’ve gone to the BCS title game. Ohio State lost at home to unranked Illinois in November and still managed to make it to the BCS title game. And, of course, LSU lost to Arkansas in its last regular-season game at home – and won the national title.
•You probably didn’t know it, but L.A. has two pro football teams: USC and UCLA. Yes, cross-town from swaggering Pete Carroll’s mecca, UCLA has revved it up. I present to you the school’s latest coaching hire, smiling snake-oil specialist Rick Neuheisel.
On a recent Friday night recruiting trip, Neuheisel decided to helicopter – yes, helicopter – between two L.A.-area high school games, you know, to save time and make a grand entrance. I know L.A. traffic is legendarily bad, but if he wanted to cut time and leave an impression, Neuheisel could’ve used a car-pool lane and rented a Bentley for a fraction of the cost of his chopper caper.
•Let’s not forget about the Harris Interactive Poll, which helps decide our BCS champion. Among the 114 Harris Poll panelists this year is one Norman Esiason. Hmm. The left-handed broadcasting savant has his own four-hour daily radio show and weekly TV show, appears Sundays on CBS’s “The NFL Today” and is the radio analyst on “Monday Night Football.” When exactly is he watching college football?
Heck, the guy at Best Buy selling HDTVs sees more games than Esiason does.
•Sportswriters know nothing. And when I say nothing, I mean NOTHING. The day after USC beat Ohio State, 35-3, the Los Angeles Times’ Bill Plaschke started and finished his column with, “Who is going to beat them?” In fact, five times in his column, he wrote, “Who is going to beat them?”
As it turns out, the next team they played.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Is it true that Playboy model Kendra Wilkinson is leaving Hugh Hefner for Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett? (Justin Philips; Holyoke, Mass.)
A. First off, let me say I’m shattered to hear that Kendra and Hef are splitsville – I thought those two kids had a real chance for something special. Secondly, Ron Jaworski tells me that Baskett is not precise enough on his routes to find Kendra’s boudoir.
Q. I know you’re not fond of women’s sports, but when was the last time a state champion point guard ran for vice president of this nation? (Kelly Ferjutz; Cleveland)
A. The vice presidency and sports are not mutually exclusive – I believe Spiro Agnew resigned from office due to bribes he took on office football pools.
Q. Hindsight is always 20-20, but don’t you think your first two marriages would’ve lasted longer if you had run them “under yellow?” (Jim Cataldi; Pittsburgh)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.