The Slice: Can you please pass the napkin(s)?

In keeping with my tireless efforts to report on Spokane area lifestyles, I want to drop in on a backyard or balcony cookout at your place sometime this spring.

So I would appreciate it if you would invite me. Thanks in advance.

Here’s how this will work. Please respond to the following questions and then mail or e-mail your answers to The Slice. Be sure to let me know how I can reach you.

I’ll take it from there. And be thinking of what you would like for me to bring.

1. Once the weather warms up, do you cook out pretty much every weekend? Yes/No

2. Is the smell emanating from your grill typically so tantalizing that it tends to destabilize your entire neighborhood? Yes/No

3. Has anyone ever had to go straight from one of your cookouts to the emergency room? Yes/No

4. Will there be cold beer? Yes/No

5. Kids and pets coming and going through the back door constantly? (That’s not a bad thing, by the way.) Yes/No

6. Do you believe a cheeseburger should be larger than your head? Yes/No

7. OK if a photographer takes a picture of you and your family with me? Yes/No

8. Will anyone else be wearing the exact same Hawaiian shirt I’ll have on? Yes/No

9. Are you now or have you ever been what is known as “a piece of work”? Yes/No

10. Has your name ever appeared in The Slice? Yes/No

11. Will there be at least a few others there who like to eat? Yes/No

12. Are your outdoor chairs reasonably comfortable? Yes/No

13. If a guest happens to need 20 or 30 paper napkins, can you oblige? Yes/No

14. Do your salads tend to resemble Klingon cuisine? Yes/No

15. Do you believe sweet onions are a fundamental right? Yes/No

16. It’ll probably be too early, but if you serve corn on the cob can I go ahead and floss at your place? Yes/No

17. Will there be dancing? Yes/No (“No” is the one you want to circle here.)

18. Does your definition of “rare” sometimes alarm people? Yes/No

19. Will any of the other guests have some burning grudge against the S-R? Yes/No

20. Will there be a croquet option? Yes/No

Feel free to add a separate sheet on which you explain just why I should select you. Thanks.

•Today’s Slice question: Anyone else ever ride a bike to a party and then lock it up in the wrong garage by mistake? (Hey, those shared driveways can be confusing.)