It’s not a TV cable, it’s a hook

I’m at the mercy of Comcast.

Sure, I could break off this dysfunctional relationship anytime I want. I simply choose not to.

Why? Because I must have my Seattle Mariners on Fox Sports Northwest, that’s why.

I. Must. Have. My. Mariners.

Not to mention “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.” And “Flight of the Conchords” on HBO. And on BBC America, “Kitchen Nightmares,” in which a famous chef goes into restaurant kitchens and yells obscenities at the staff.

And, of course, there’s the Fox Soccer Channel. I can’t live without that.

Oh, God. Do you see how bad this has become? No wonder it is so easy for the people at Comcast to shake me down.

And that feels like exactly what they are doing. I’m one of those customers who, naively, jumped at Comcast’s Triple Play bundle awhile back.

It was such an outstanding deal. I would get my high-speed Internet – another crucial service I could not possibly live without despite the fact that I did, with perfect contentment, for decades. I also would get my home phone service and my cable TV for just $33 each, per month. I did the math and figured out that this bundle would cost me only $99 per month, total, which was a significant savings over purchasing all of this stuff separately.

Even sweeter, that cable TV package was far superior to the Basic Cheapskate lineup I already was getting. The bundle gave me something called Digital Preferred, which gave me hundreds of channels, plus HBO. I could finally watch “The Wire” and see what all the fuss was about. It also gave me something called On Demand, which, as I understood it, would allow me to watch anything I wanted, at any time, for free. It almost brought tears to my eyes.

All that, plus unlimited long distance calling, for a mere $99 a month? Sign me up.

Of course, when the first bill came, it was not for $99. Apparently, in Comcast-land, $33 times three does not equal $99. It equals something around $130. I was briefly disillusioned, but then I did more math and figured out that I was still getting by more cheaply than I did, pre-bundle, by at least $5 or $6. So I just paid it.

That was exactly a year ago.

“A year ago.” All of my fellow Comcast bundlers should know exactly how ominous that phrase is.

I got my bill this month, and it was for $182.91. That $33 Triple Play bundle package was only a one-year introductory offer, a fact of which I was only dimly aware. The introductory offer had expired, and now I was being charged full price.

I refuse to pay $182.91 a month, even if it does include the Fox Soccer Channel. In fact, I will not pay $182.91 per month for anything I can’t live in, drive to work or eat. So I called Comcast to say this, or, more accurately, to whine. Here’s the upshot: The nice lady on the phone offered to continue my bundle – or some kind of bundle, I’m a bit vague on the details – at somewhere around $150 per month.

That’s still outrageously high, which is why I immediately slammed the phone down and – actually, well, I accepted it.

I know, I know. I can, and should, cancel Comcast and go with Qwest and DirecTV. Or I should downsize to basic cable. Or I should quit the whole mess and be content with our local over-the-air channels, our old dial-up Internet and our good old AT&T. It would be the fiscally responsible thing in these difficult times.

And maybe I will, next month. However, to hearken back to the beginning of this column: I. Must. Have. My. Mariners.

At least now I know what “bundle” means in Comcast-speak. It means “bondage,” as in “once we get you bundled, you will never, ever break the chains.”