Words I never thought would come out of my mouth:
“Welcome back, Steve Eugster. Gawd, how I’ve missed you.”
Sure, I’m gushing like a schoolgirl. But I can’t help myself. I am simply reacting to the juiciest news of 2009.
And that is that Eugster (aka Boy Named Sue, Count Tortulla, Citizen Claim …) has announced that he will make a comeback run for a Spokane City Council seat.
A Eugster City Council sequel?
I haven’t been so excited since “Tremors 2: Aftershocks” came out.
Spokane hasn’t been the same since the E-man abdicated his City Hall post six years ago.
This was no ordinary public official. Councilman Eugster was brilliant and bossy, articulate and argumentative, provocative and petty …
At times he even had great ideas.
Hacked off about something I had written, he once advocated having my face imprinted on bags to be used for scooping up doggie doo in Riverfront Park.
The guy was a columnist’s dream.
Eugster was an equally important asset for the entire newspaper, as well. Consider the following sobering statistics:
1. Eugster leaves City Council.
2. The Spokesman-Review announces layoffs and pay cuts.
I don’t think so.
Steve Eugster has had his name attached to more suits than Men’s Wearhouse.
And many of them were filed against the very city he was representing.
Oh, those were the days, my chums.
This was no mere City Council. This was a Crackpot Casserole.
Eugster and the others were embroiled in a constant state of bickering. Talk about Must-See TV. Lowly cable access Channel 5’s televised council meetings were beating NBC in the ratings.
Last week I accidentally tuned into a council meeting while flipping channels.
It was like watching cadavers wrestle.
“This ‘Era of Good Feelings’ is putting us all to sleep,” Eugster said recently of the current council crop.
I couldn’t agree more.
Poor Eugster. The years since he last perched on the Council haven’t been a bed of begonias.
There was his doomed run for Spokane County Commission. There was his equally doomed bid for a Superior Court judgeship.
There was the messy disbarment proceeding, still pending.
There was his curious attempt to become a long-haul truck driver.
But this is not the time to rehash unpleasantness. This is the time to celebrate the fact that Eugster is back on the City Council campaign trail.
I don’t want to scare anyone. But it’s time city leaders stopped with the nicey-nice and started thinking about what really matters in this town – MY needs.
I have to put out three columns a week. Plus I have a natural aversion to work.
So if you current council clowns are unwilling to help, then I say we get Eugster back in there to shake things up and make my job easier.
I am close to signing a contract to have my face plastered on one of the city’s controversial bus benches.
If you read my Sunday column you’ll know I’m not happy with Mayor Mary Verner’s war on the advertising benches that, she believes, violate the Spokane sign ordinances.
I can’t give everything away right now.
But it looks like my bench ad may appear May 11 at a location near the Spokane County Courthouse.
So stay tuned for more details about the Dougbench unveiling ceremony, which will feature music, political speeches and free sugary treats.
If it all falls through, however, I can always go back to getting my mug put on those pooper-scooper bags Eugster came up with.