Hey, I’m not proud that I predicted Jay Cutler would be a bust. I’m also not proud that I’m predicting Mark Sanchez will be a bust.
And I’m not proud that, for the 16th time in 17 years, I watched the entire first round of the NFL draft on ESPN and, to prove it, took notes of my deepest thoughts:
12:58 p.m. PDT Saturday: I make the mistake of turning on the TV two minutes early and hear Chris Berman exclaim, “Are you ready for some NFL draft?!?”
1:01: ESPN had a five-hour pre-draft special – you know, maybe covering stuff it hadn’t gotten to yet over the past several weeks.
1:02: The United States has deployed 38,000 troops to Afghanistan. ESPN deploys 39,000 to the NFL draft.
1:13: Can you imagine ESPN covering Election Day this way? Man, I might go out and VOTE TWICE.
1:24: From where I’m sitting, Mark Sanchez is just a better-looking version of Jay Cutler: Strong-armed, thick-skulled, full of hooey and hubris.
1:41: Jets give up two picks and three players to Browns to get Sanchez. They wanted him so badly, I’m told, they were willing to trade the town of Piscataway, N.J., if necessary.
1:42: Steve Young on Sanchez: “He is presidential in the way he presents himself, comports himself.” Presidential? What, his frat house elected him president?
1:50: In an otherwise large, ecstatic gathering of Andre Smith’s family and friends, a baby is crying – apparently the only one aware that he’s been selected by the Bengals.
1:56: The Raiders’ draft room, I suppose, consists of Al Davis, a change of sweatsuits and a Ouija board.
2:01: Todd McShay? Hmm. Another draft guru. Be still my heart!
2:08: Mel Kiper Jr. won’t admit this, but every time he gets into his car, he sees Todd McShay in his rearview mirror.
2:17: Here is Sanchez, during a conference call last week: “The whole plan we had was about peaking at the right time and knowing how to finish. This draft process is almost over, and we wanted to show everybody (I) know how to finish, that I’m in it for the long haul, that I’m ready be a franchise quarterback.” What exactly does all that mean? It means he’s a smoke-and-mirrors wunderkind with 16 college starts and a great marketing department.
2:22: Kiper doesn’t even shave any more because when he looks into his bathroom mirror, he sees Todd McShay.
2:48: NFL Network televising the NFL draft is like Disney Channel showing Disney movies – what choice do they have?
3:04: In his day, I’ve got to figure Henry David Thoreau did not follow the NFL draft.
3:13: If the Browns trade down any further, their first pick will be in the WNBA draft.
3:29: Percy Harvin was high on my list.
3:30: I don’t have any definitive evidence, but something tells me the Bengals don’t use their draft room for drafting purposes.
3:42: If Sanchez is presidential, he should first run for governor of California, then make a bid for the White House.
3:50: Are the Cowboys skipping the first round, or did they secede from the league?
3:57: Not sure if the crowd is chanting “U-S-A!” or “E-Z Pass!”
4:23: I am looking at Stephania Bell, identified as “espn.com injury analyst/licensed physical therapist.” Geez, I had to pay for my own massage at the last World Series of Poker, and espn.com has its own licensed physical therapist?
4:29: How long does it take to disinfect Radio City Music Hall after an NFL draft weekend?
4:34: Roger Goodell doesn’t do the second round, Couch Slouch doesn’t do the second round.
4:57: I’ve already set up my Mark Sanchez interception pool for next season.
7:02 a.m. Sunday: There’s a better chance I’ll chant “J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets!” than watch Day 2 of the NFL draft.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is the NBA’s all-time leading scorer yet nobody else uses the sky hook – wouldn’t this be akin to physicists not utilizing e = mc2 in their computations because they thought Einstein’s theory of relativity wasn’t stylish enough? (Paul Martin; Ithaca, N.Y.)
A. Your question reminds me of an obscure fact: Einstein actually developed his EPR paradox to alter the NBA’s 24-second shot clock in 1954, but David Stern declined to meet with him.
Q. What do you think Mel Kiper Jr. will do for the rest of the year now that the NFL draft is over? (Jason West; Knox, N.Y.)
A. He is in a fantasy Homo sapiens league with Punxsutawney Phil.
Q. With the tournament completed, do the lords of Augusta National rent out Butler Cabin for weddings and bar mitzvahs, or is the sacred shack reserved solely for the year-round storage of Jim Nantz’s Masters smile? (Scott D. Shuster; Watertown, Mass.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.