Be sensitive with fiance’s daughter

Dear Annie: My fiance and I have lived together for 28 years. We would have married, but we had a slight legal problem. “Jed” was still married and for various reasons never got a divorce. Nine months ago, his wife suddenly passed away. We decided it was time to marry, and we’ve set the date for October.

Jed’s 35-year-old daughter, “Diane,” thinks it is too soon. She didn’t attend my bridal shower (this will be my first wedding). She said it makes her feel bad when people ask what she thinks about our upcoming marriage. She did, however, drop off an appalling gift. It contained Vaseline, jaw pain relief lotion, earplugs, female sexual stimulating gel and size 4 thong underwear (I am a plus size). There was no card inside.

I found these items offensive and let her know it. She lashed back at me, saying it was all a big joke and meant to be funny. Now we are not speaking. I believe the whole thing was intended as a slap in the face, illustrating her displeasure with the situation. We had been close until her mother passed away. Am I being too sensitive? What do you think? – New Bride

Dear Bride: Bridal shower gifts traditionally include racy, amusing items. Even if you didn’t find her presents funny and weren’t sure they were well-intentioned, you still could have laughed it off and made light of the situation.

When a parent dies, many children, for a variety of reasons, feel guilty for not treating them better. This could be why Diane is showing her loyalty to Mom now. Also keep in mind that her mother died less than a year ago and she is probably still grieving. It might help your relationship with Diane to treat her with a little more sensitivity, and we hope you will try.