Here are 17 ways “A Charlie Brown Christmas” (on ABC tonight) would be different if it had been set in modern Spokane.
1. Snoopy would be a pit bull.
2. Schroeder would be obsessed with Bing Crosby.
3. One of the kids would note that a lot of weather-wimp adults don’t deserve a white Christmas.
4. Instead of offering psychiatric advice, Lucy would set herself up as an ombudsman.
5. Pig Pen would smoke.
6. When it started snowing, the kids would shuck their coats and put on shorts.
7. Patty and Violet would dress like Hollywood depictions of prostitutes.
8. Shermy would be in a gang.
9. Charlie Brown would check his e-mail for those Christmas cards that never come. And his first name would be Jacob or Ethan.
10. At least a few of the ice skaters would wear helmets.
11. Snoopy would have had his holiday lights up since Labor Day.
12. Depending on the exact nature of the facility where the play was being rehearsed, Linus might mull the whole church/state thing a bit more carefully.
13. Sally would be on mood-altering medications and have a tattoo.
14. Adults would hover and take photos with their cell phones.
15. Most of the kids would not know the words to “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.”
16. School counselors would have Charlie Brown on a watch list.
17. The miracle transformation of the little tree would prompt several kids to utter unprintable expressions.
Today’s Slice question: Who around here is most adept at using shirt/jacket cuffs, elbows, hips, paper towels and even feet to avoid touching potentially germy surfaces with his or her hands?