Arrow-right Camera
The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Soap sob stories earn Cascade prize

I’m all for cleaning up the environment.

I just say we start by making our dirty dishes gleam like Mr. Clean’s cranium.

So today I’m making good on my offer to dish out three free 60-ounce boxes of phosphate-laden Cascade dishwasher soap, which, as we all know, has been banned for sale in Spokane County by mirthless enviro-weenies.*

*See last Sunday’s letters page.

Don’t thank me. It’s the very least an effluential man like me can do for his detergent-deprived community.

As you may recall, I recently asked readers to tell me why they deserved one of the boxes of Cascade that I purchased during a soap run to Idaho in my 1967 Vista Guzzler station wagon.

Before naming the lucky recipients, however, I’d first like to share the voice mail entry that made me laugh so hard I almost choked.

It came from Ed, who explained why he drives to Idaho to buy his soap.

“Like you, I’m a self-centered (!#$%!!) who cares more about convenience than I do about anybody else or the rest of the planet.”

Speaking of nonwinning entries, I also enjoyed the “For Doug” poem submitted by Mike LaScuola.

The phosphate detergent ban wishes

We’ll trade our baked-on grime

Instead of squeaky clean dishes

For a river covered in slime

But detergent deterrents are useless

When spots adorn glasses of wine

The thought of rebellion (a Spokanite hellion)

Brings Cascade across the state line

That Mike’s a regular B.S. Eliot.

Some contest entrants had education on their minds. Several, in fact, pointed out that Idaho’s not the only place for a phosphate fix. Depending on where you live, driving to Stevens County may leave a smaller carbon toe print.

Rodney and Dotty Johnson, however, aren’t worried about mileage. “We go one better and cross two state lines and smuggle (the soap) in from Montana,” they wrote.

“So not only do we break the law and use the stuff, we stick it to the taxman as well. No tax in Montana!”

It’s not against the law to use the soap, of course. The law applies only to sales, and my contest is not about commerce. It’s about spreading joy.

So let’s meet our winners.

•Rick Hobbs won me over with this voice message.

“I really need to win one of these 60-ounce boxes,” said the Spokane Valley man. “Because every time my wife starts to unload the dishwasher I can hear her throughout the whole house bitchin’ and moanin’ because she doesn’t have the good stuff to wash the dishes.

“So if you want to help me with my sanity level, you will give me a call and tell me I’m a winner.”

Saving marriages – one box of Cascade at a time.

•Do you believe in miracles?

I do after reading the e-mail from Joan Nolan, another Spokane Valley resident.

She’s the cook in her home. Hubby Jim does the dishwashing.

One day, Jim was unloading dishes when he announced that it was time to go to Idaho for the “good stuff.”

Joan asked him to wait until the next trip to their Idaho lake place.

“Can’t wait that long,” he replied.

And then (we’re getting to the miracle now) she opened the newspaper, which contained my soap contest column.

“See, Doug, what perfect timing?”

I sure do, Joan. Your Cascade is on the way.

•Spokane resident Laurie Anderson sent me a list of six reasons she should win a box of soap.

Many of the reasons were OK, like “It’s the only dishwasher soap my mom used. It’s comfort soap.” Or “The green of the box is my favorite color …”

But I’ll be honest. It was reason No. 5 that got her the soap.

“I too graduated from Ferris High School (1970) so we Ferrisites should stick together.”

Sure, it sounds like total cronyism. But what’s good enough for the Obama administration is good enough for me.

Let the cleanliness begin!

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at dougc@spokesman.com.