Spokane7
33°
December 7, 2009 in Features
Fathers battle bias in custody cases
Dear Mr. Dad: My child’s mother and I never married and we split before the baby was born. Nevertheless, she and I used to share parenting equally. We compromised, worked out schedules, and we both spent lots of time with our daughter.
But about a year ago, I got married. And immediately, the mother cut me back to seeing my daughter only every other weekend. Two months later, she moved in with a man. Since then, she barely lets me see my daughter at all. My wife and my little girl (who’s now 3) have a very strong relationship.
The mom and I have been fighting for more than a year and I finally got her to agree to go to mediation with me to come up with a parenting plan. What can I reasonably ask for? How can I get anything when she has all the power just for being mom?
A: You put your finger on the problem perfectly – your child’s mother has all the power simply because she’s the mother. Well, nearly all the power.
Every time I address the issue of single fathers in this column, I hear from lawyers insisting that unmarried parents have the same rights as married ones. Well, that may be true on paper, but it’s rarely the way things play out in real life.
That said, courts these days are getting better about paying attention to fathers’ concerns. And since you’ve done everything you can to stay involved with your daughter’s life, a judge will find it very hard to ignore that.
One very important assignment for you: do some research on the mediator. You want someone who’s had a lot of experience handling cases like yours and a record of treating fathers fairly.
Some mediators (just like some judges and lawyers) are clinging to Neanderthal attitudes, and feel that mothers should have primary custody and fathers should be limited to every other weekend and a Wednesday evening.
You should also consult with a lawyer. You need to know what your options are if the mediation goes against you or, if it goes in your favor (and by that I mean you get 50-50 custody), what you can do if the mother refuses to comply.
Above all, do not give up. I know it’s incredibly frustrating, but your daughter needs to know that you love her and want to be with her. One important way to show her is to keep your relationship with her mother as peaceful as possible.
The better the two adults get along, the better your daughter will do long term.
Armin Brott is an Oakland, Calif.-based author of six best-selling books on fatherhood. Find resources for fathers at www.mrdad.com.
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In response to an old article: 7 December 2009, “Fathers battle bias in custody cases”. I always wonder where people are with their children at present, after I stumble upon old articles like this one. Same old story; Society places more value on the mother, yet, does not fault her for alienating an ex-husband (boyfriend) after he displeases her. So the only recourse for a father is to either play nice or fight. The result is, a generation of messed up adult children. Think about it long and hard all you mothers out there; your anger toward your ex is really hurting your child(ren). Until our legislature and our society accepts the importance of the role of a father, we will continue to have Commissioners who are mandated and inflexible and mother advocates who choose to be blind to damage done by women.
I am speaking from the perspective of a wife to a man with a child from a vindictive, horrible ex-wife. I am fired up because of a recent decision by a Spokane Commissioner, who could not apparently think outside the box, past mothers’ rights. I am fired up because I have an up close and personal view of the hurt in my husband, that he has been bound by the insanity which is legislature for mothers. Since this mother does not beat the child and does not abuse drugs – it’s okay to grant her more residential time. To note: psychological abuse cannot be proven because you need a professional evaluation which is either very expensive or, very difficult to obtain. No counselor out there is willing to put themselves on the line to generate a report against a mother. Any comments? Welcome them. I will be writing again. This seems to be just one more passion for me.