Sit back and prepare to be amazed.
Clarnak the Magnanimous returns today in his sequined turban and bejeweled loincloth to mystify you with his guaranteed predictions for the coming New Year.
That’s right, I said guaranteed. Unlike other, less-gifted seers, Clarnak’s soothsaying comes with the following ironclad promise:
If even one of Clarnak’s prognostications fails to come to pass, you may dial up my editor and demand a full refund.
And now I will lapse into a trance even deeper than my normal newsroom work daze.
Ah, yessss … the spirits will begin to speak.
Prediction 1: Alcohol-disabled former Spokane cop Bradley Thoma will suffer a hernia while trying to blow-start his Dodge Ram.
Prediction 2: Republican Spokane County Commissioners Todd Mielke and Mark Richard will sell Spokane Raceway Park and invest all of the proceeds in “Star Trek” collector plates. The move will be hailed as a far more responsible use of public funds.
Prediction 3: Wildly popular KREM-TV news anchor Randy Shaw will finally get that mole taken care of.
Prediction 4: Bob Apple will abdicate his position on the Spokane City Council to become king of Hillyard.
Prediction 5: Three dimwitted North Idaho skinheads will suffocate when they attend a Klan rally wearing plastic sheets.
Prediction 6: The Spokesman-Review will announce a “better and even smaller” newspaper for 2010. Our new Double Bubble Edition will come with a modest price increase to cover the gum.
Prediction 7: Mayor Mary Verner will announce a plan to hire the homeless and laid-off journalists to water Spokane lawns.
Prediction 8: Athol will attempt to secede from the Union. Nobody will try to stop this.
Prediction 9: The filming of “Survivor: Pullman” will be canceled midfilming. Show host Jeff Probst will explain that Pullman was simply too uninhabitable even by “Survivor” standards. Plus, several contestants suffered concussions after falling off a fraternity balcony during the Wazzu Kegger Immunity Challenge.
Prediction 10: The Spokane International Airport will gain national attention when security workers add “turn your head and cough” passenger screening to thwart future underpants bombers.
Prediction 11: The amazing, ever-expanding Northern Quest Resort & Casino will add the following for 2010: a hospital, a shopping mall, a monorail, hydroplane races, a space port, high-stakes cribbage, and the rest of Airway Heights.
Prediction 12: The Spokane Transit Authority will help defray fare increases by turning its downtown hub into the STA Bus Plaza/Plasma Center.
Prediction 13: The Mobius Science Center for kids will finally find a home – in a back room at Mootsy’s saloon!
Prediction 14: Another escape at the Spokane County Interstate Fair will cause a media frenzy. This year’s manhunt will focus on a carnie suspected of committing indecent liberties with the winning giant pumpkin.
Prediction 15: Spokane City Council meetings will be aired on Channel 5 in 3-D – “Dumb, Disappointing and Disastrous.” No special glasses will be required.