On this day of destiny, the Team of Destiny had a date with destiny. Alas, the Pittsburgh Steelers spit in destiny’s face and chewed up destiny’s darlings. And, so, my Arizona Cardinals are simply destined for a 61st straight non-championship off-season.
As always, I took notes on Super Bowl Sunday.
10:01 a.m. Pacific: NBC’s Bob Costas is aboard the pirate ship at Raymond James Stadium, fulfilling the last of his career goals.
10:06: Andrea Kremer reports that the Steelers’ “team meal started a few minutes ago.” Guard Chris Kemoeatu is still eating.
10:11: We learn that swimmer Michael Phelps smoked marijuana in South Carolina. How stupid – who goes to South Carolina for weed? You get the good stuff in Brooklyn, baby!
11:32: Returning from a Cheetos break, I hear Costas literally say, “Meanwhile, back on Earth…” I assume I missed a Kurt Warner feature.
12:06 p.m.: The magic of television: NBC makes Rodney Harrison appear almost likable.
12:55: Costas warns us that the next Winter Olympics begin (on NBC) in 376 days. I’ll be bowling that night.
1:06: Frankly, every time I see Keith Olbermann, I still expect a Monica Lewinsky update.
1:08: Bill Belichick, in the film room, analyzes both teams. I’m not sure where he got the tapes.
1:33: PB&J + PBR = T.G.I. Sunday!
2:55: If the pregame for The Last Supper were this long, Judas would’ve left and grabbed a chili dog at Wienerschnitzel.
3:28: The economy’s so beat up, I thought the coin toss would involve an IOU.
3:29: Cardinals win coin toss and opt to put their defense on the field first. Huh? I phone Ken Whisenhunt on the sideline, but his voice mail picks up.
3:39: Steelers score a touchdown on their opening drive. Or do they? Whisenhunt throws challenge flag, play is overturned. Gosh, I love replay.
3:43: I just checked a map – I had no idea Tampa was a suburb of Pittsburgh.
3:57: This Ben Roethlisberger is one part bull rider, one part whirling dervish and three parts all man.
4:09: Steelers make it 10-0. What, destiny’s taking the day off?
4:38: I could listen to Al Michaels announce blue-light specials at Kmart all day.
4:51: In a life-changing event for Couch Slouch and my closest relations, James Harrison – with an improbable, implausible, inexplicable gallop against destiny – returns an interception 100 nautical yards on the last play of the first half to give Pittsburgh a 17-7 lead. I stop breathing.
5:07: Springsteen is awesome, but I was hoping for a reunion of Tony Orlando and Dawn.
5:36: Warner loses fumble when sacked by James Farrior. Whisenhunt challenges, play is overturned; I don’t think I could live without replay.
6:05: Cardinals trail, 20-7, at end of third quarter. I hope destiny knows there are only 15 minutes of playing time left.
6:13: I didn’t realize the Steelers not only travel with their own fans, they also bring their own officials.
6:27: Warner to Larry Fitzgerald makes it 20-14. Destiny’s knocking at the door!
6:48: Warner to Fitzgerald again gives Arizona its first lead, 23-20. Guess who’s coming to dinner? Destiny! I can’t control my breathing.
7:00: Did Santonio Holmes really catch that? Yes. I am beyond crestfallen, I am crestcomatose.
7:05: No time for Cardinal tears – I have to find the next Team of Destiny.
Ask The Slouch
Q. You love banging on Colin Cowherd, in your column and on his ESPN Radio show. What gives? (David Downs; Katy, Tex.)
A. I used to be a regular on his show. Then one day I’m walking home with a bag of groceries, humming the theme to “The20Herd,” and the next day I’m lying on my front porch with a hole in my head, like cousin Tony. I never saw it coming.
Q. I know there are still 91 years to go but don’t you think the yellow first-down line will prove to be the most important technological achievement of the 21st century? (Tony Supan; Beachwood, Ohio)
A. I’m kind of partial to the self-flushing toilet.
Q. Now that Matt Millen is doing NFL commentary for NBC, are they going to botch the next 16 broadcasts? (Jared Wolski; Milwaukee)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.