Doug Clark: Sleazy deeds pay amply for city cop
Commander Clark will now shed light on some local law enforcement concerns.
Q: Were you as shocked as I am to hear that Jason Uberuaga is going back on the job?
Commander Clark: You mean the Spokane police officer whom Chief Anne Kirkpatrick fired last year after he used his department cell phone to photograph a woman baring her breasts.
Q: The one and only. So?
Commander Clark: You mean the off-duty cop who then had sex with that woman in her car in a tavern parking lot?
Q: That’s him. An arbitrator decided firing Uberuaga was too harsh. Do you have an opinion?
Commander Clark: I see this as yet another sad example of Spokane justice.
Q: What’s Spokane justice?
Commander Clark: Harder to realize than a two-term mayor.
Q: Uberuaga also admitted he drove his city-assigned undercover car after drinking alcohol, didn’t he?
Commander Clark: The guy apparently never took the DARE program.
Q: So what’s to become of Uberuaga?
Commander Clark: Based on his skills, there’s only one place for him in the department.
Q: What’s that?
Commander Clark: They’re going to make him a troll officer.
Q: Er, don’t you mean patrol officer?
Commander Clark: Oh, yeah. That, too.
Q: Can you see anything positive coming out of this?
Commander Clark: Certainly. Uberuaga will receive 10 1/2 months’ back pay.
Q: What’s so great about that?
Commander Clark: He can upgrade from sleazy car sex to sleazy motel sex.
Q: The Spokane Police Guild is reportedly quite thrilled with the Uberuaga decision.
Commander Clark: Of course it is. Setting the bar this low makes all the other players feel so much more secure.
Q: Are you aware of the shocking news that came out of the Spokane County Sheriff’s Office?
Commander Clark: Indeed. Sgt. Pete Bunch, a 30-year veteran, was arrested last week after a woman saw him prowling in her South Hill yard and looking into her windows.
Q: What do you think he was up to?
Commander Clark: The case is still under investigation. But if I had to guess I’d say he was probably working on his own stimulus package.
Q: If that’s true, what will happen?
Commander Clark: At the very least there will be nicknames.
Commander Clark: Sneaky Pete. Peekin’ Pete. Sgt. Prowler. Peter Peter Window Peeper …
Q: You really love your job, don’t you, Commander Clark?
Commander Clark: Like a dog loves a fire hydrant.
Q: What qualities is the city looking for to fill the new police ombudsman job?
Commander Clark: The position lacks any meaningful police oversight powers. So an ability to roll over and play dead will be key.
Q: One last thing. Do you suppose the Uberuaga reinstatement will have any effect on Chief Kirkpatrick’s famous “you lie, you die” rule?
Commander Clark: Yes. It will have to be modified.
Q: To what?
Commander Clark: “You lie, you get a paid vacation.”
Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org. Find an archive of his columns at spokesman.com/columnists.