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February 12, 2009 in City
Doug Clark: Sleazy deeds pay amply for city cop
Commander Clark will now shed light on some local law enforcement concerns.
Q: Were you as shocked as I am to hear that Jason Uberuaga is going back on the job?
Commander Clark: You mean the Spokane police officer whom Chief Anne Kirkpatrick fired last year after he used his department cell phone to photograph a woman baring her breasts.
Q: The one and only. So?
Commander Clark: You mean the off-duty cop who then had sex with that woman in her car in a tavern parking lot?
Q: That’s him. An arbitrator decided firing Uberuaga was too harsh. Do you have an opinion?
Commander Clark: I see this as yet another sad example of Spokane justice.
Q: What’s Spokane justice?
Commander Clark: Harder to realize than a two-term mayor.
Q: Uberuaga also admitted he drove his city-assigned undercover car after drinking alcohol, didn’t he?
Commander Clark: The guy apparently never took the DARE program.
Q: So what’s to become of Uberuaga?
Commander Clark: Based on his skills, there’s only one place for him in the department.
Q: What’s that?
Commander Clark: They’re going to make him a troll officer.
Q: Er, don’t you mean patrol officer?
Commander Clark: Oh, yeah. That, too.
Q: Can you see anything positive coming out of this?
Commander Clark: Certainly. Uberuaga will receive 10 1/2 months’ back pay.
Q: What’s so great about that?
Commander Clark: He can upgrade from sleazy car sex to sleazy motel sex.
Q: The Spokane Police Guild is reportedly quite thrilled with the Uberuaga decision.
Commander Clark: Of course it is. Setting the bar this low makes all the other players feel so much more secure.
Q: Are you aware of the shocking news that came out of the Spokane County Sheriff’s Office?
Commander Clark: Indeed. Sgt. Pete Bunch, a 30-year veteran, was arrested last week after a woman saw him prowling in her South Hill yard and looking into her windows.
Q: What do you think he was up to?
Commander Clark: The case is still under investigation. But if I had to guess I’d say he was probably working on his own stimulus package.
Q: If that’s true, what will happen?
Commander Clark: At the very least there will be nicknames.
Q: Nicknames?
Commander Clark: Sneaky Pete. Peekin’ Pete. Sgt. Prowler. Peter Peter Window Peeper …
Q: You really love your job, don’t you, Commander Clark?
Commander Clark: Like a dog loves a fire hydrant.
Q: What qualities is the city looking for to fill the new police ombudsman job?
Commander Clark: The position lacks any meaningful police oversight powers. So an ability to roll over and play dead will be key.
Q: One last thing. Do you suppose the Uberuaga reinstatement will have any effect on Chief Kirkpatrick’s famous “you lie, you die” rule?
Commander Clark: Yes. It will have to be modified.
Q: To what?
Commander Clark: “You lie, you get a paid vacation.”
Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at dougc@spokesman.com. Find an archive of his columns at spokesman.com/columnists.
Recent stories by Doug Clark
Doug Clark: Roskelley’s candidacy is all downhill from here May 27, 2012 15- Clark: No clear inspiration for ‘Spokane Motel Blues’ May 24, 2012 6
- Professor’s ‘Motel’ mystery needs you to solve it May 22, 2012
- Clark: City ordinance shows lack of sound thinking May 20, 2012 21
- Doug Clark: Many wrongs, one big right in Zehm case May 17, 2012 24
rickhof on February 12 at 6:28 a.m.
As a long, long time subscriber of the S-R, my view is that this article is one of the best from Doug Clark, ever. As funny as the presentation of the article is, the sad truth is the very dim light it shines on our police force in the City and County is absolutely pathetic. Lousy quality! We are not getting what we are paying for.
Daryn on February 12 at 3:27 p.m.
Did he have the same lawyer that Cliff Helm had? After all it is o.k. to kill five innocent kids in spokane county Why shouldn,t this be o.k. also.
Wheezywilson on February 12 at 7:44 p.m.
He calls ‘em as he sees ‘em, as usual. Thank goodness someone does. He keeps score too.
westside on February 13 at 7:50 a.m.
Awesome off the wall humor!!! Doug hits them hard! lol
iamtheduckman on April 21 at 1:29 p.m.
Doug Clark for sheriff! Then all the deputies would ask, “would you like fries with that?”…as they pepper spray you.
jenny on June 04 at 8:22 a.m.
You have outdone yourself this time with a brilliant, truthful, and a very creative way of showing an existing situation, Mr. Clark. The situation is bad, to the point of being outrageous. It seems that the Spokane Police department is doing this all out of spite. It has a flair of coming from a nightmare that became real. Maybe a whole new police force should be hired to protect the citizens from the current police force?
Nationwide alert, Spokane Police Department is currently waging war against its citizens. They have pledged never to protect them, never to serve them. In order to get hired you have to to get used to lying, shoot at will, have no conscience, expect to do well with your accrued adminstrative leave. If fired you will be rehired after a short term. You can get away with breaking any kind of law there is as it relates to harming the citizens including but not limited to drunken get togethers, sex in the city, in your police car, against minors, women or Iraq war veterans, retarded citizens, the homeless, Native Americans.
If a citizen complains you will be expected to get a part time job while your complaint gets handled. Do not worry you will be on paid leave. The outcome —we will welcome you back with open arms as once you are hired on this police force you are part of our in crowd. Our police guild will go out of its way to protect you.