Doug Clark: Mystery box a windfall for Windbag

I wandered into work the other day to discover a shoebox-sized package sitting on my desk.

A dry package, that is.

This immediately told me that there had been a serious breach in Spokesman-Review security.

According to the S-R’s Dorothy Dean Emergency Handbook, page 19, paragraph 12, and I quote:

“Any package (parcel, coffin, torpedoes …) sent to the newspaper with Doug Clark’s name on it must be soaked in an organic chicken stock on medium high before being forwarded to the fourth floor.”

Oh, well. I’ve always been cursed with more curiosity than common sense.

I opened the box. I took a peek inside.

And guess what?

It’s time for another installment of Reeeaaader’s Windbaaag, that’s what.

This is the semi-regular forum that allows the vast LHD (Lovers and Haters of Doug) to vent without fear of being identified, verified, or immobilized and forced to watch the debate on Spokane’s new sign regulations.

It’s more than a real retirement package.

Getting back to the box …

Here’s what I found inside: A scuffed tin cup. A 1985 penny. A hand-printed sign that reads – “Please Help, I Work For ‘The’ Paper.”

How thoughtful. Darrell of Spokane Valley was reacting to what I wrote the other day. Namely, that my publisher was trying to take 5 percent of my living wage.

“Dear Depressed Clark,” wrote Darrell in an attached letter.

“Enclosed is a do-it-yourself kit to help subsidize your loss of income from reductions. Please note that the cup is a genuine 1930’s tool that was probably used in an earlier Depression.”

Is he trying to tell me something?

Genuine recent e-mail from Drew.

“Subject: You are a Dumb Ass.

“Reading your Sunday column made me realize what a really Dumb Ass you Really are!!!

“Yep. (Spokane Mayor) Mary Verner is at fault that the snow has not melted yet!!!

“You are one ginormous Dumb ASS!!!!!

“May you soon be unemployed with the rest of The Spokesman-Review!!!

“Dumb ASS!!!!”

Dumb? Smart? I’m so confused.

Genuine recent voice mail message from Clint.

“I think you should quit whining about your wage because nobody pays me to be a smartass.”

Brain Cramp Alert!

I would like to apologize for using the term “naval-gazing” in a recent column. I meant “navel-gazing.”

How dopey can you get?

True, I have heard of naval-gazing. But only in the context of men’s room encounters with sailors.

Anyway, my dimwitted error triggered a number of responses. Surprise! But my hands-down favorite came from Gary.

He wrote in an e-mail that my pay cut should be expanded to “100 percent,” which is dang near all of it. Then my column space, he wrote, could be used for “real reporting” like “why all the ballots found late in car trunks in Washington state elections are for democrats …”

Gary makes an important point about literacy even if he didn’t capitalize the “D” in democrats.

Poor Gary just doesn’t understand one of the primary rules of journalism. And that is if being illiterate wuz grounds for canning a columnist there weren’t be none.

Naw, I still prefer Avaricesta.

Speaking of other really annoying things besides me, D. H. of Spokane has a great suggestion for a certain corporation that is best known for bleeding the public with gas and electrical rate hikes.

“I have decided they should change their name to Armtwista, a term you may want to use.”

So bite me Drew, Clint and Gary.

And before I slit my wrists, let’s all take a moment to enjoy some other genuine recent e-mails.

“I have to say, Doug, I totally appreciate your candid humor. It makes me want to read The Spokesman-Review when I laugh this hard” – Tony.

“Yes, we need two Doug Clarks just to track the nuts in our zoo” – John.

“My husband and I love your columns and we are SO happy – unlike many of the dolts who get the S-R – that you have managed to dodge the layoff bullets! We ‘get’ satire and really have little patience with those who take life so seriously!” – Carolyn and Rick.

Naval-gazing. I’ve gotta stop huffing the glue.