The first part of this column will be a celebration of my Team of Destiny, the improbable, incorrigible Arizona Cardinals.
The second part of this column will be a concession from your Slouch of Destiny on a losing bet I made with “radio personality” Colin Cowherd.
I will not enjoy the second part of this column.
As rewarding as my third wedding day was – when I landed/duped Toni, a.k.a. She Is The One (And Then Some) – watching the Cardinals rout the Carolina Panthers, 33-13, eclipsed it for sheer, sporting pleasure. Kurt Warner was otherworldly; then again, he is from another galaxy. And Larry Fitzgerald proved again that he not only catches anything within his reach, he sometimes also catches balls beyond his reach.
Didn’t the pundits tell us the Cardinals could not win in the Eastern time zone? Maybe they didn’t change their watches on this trip and pretended they were still on Mountain time!
Everyone at Fox, including Bill O’Reilly, predicted the Cardinals to lose.
By the way, I have sent Jake Delhomme a Honey-Baked Ham for his contribution to the greatest day in Arizona history since it became the last of the 48 contiguous states to join the union in 1912.
Now the Cardinals get to play at home against the Eagles for a trip to Super Bowl 43. Remember: Nobody beats the Cardinals at University of Phoenix Stadium. Nobody.
(For those of you interested, for the first time ever I will be blogging live during the NFC championship game. Actually, I won’t be blogging live – I’m not Internet-fluent enough to do that – rather, I will be shouting out of my living-room window every 45 seconds, so if you’re within earshot, you’ll get the best of my in-game thoughts.)
Meanwhile, today I must make good on my wager with ESPN Radio’s perpetually pattering Cowherd. We bet on whether the Cleveland Browns would win more than eight games. The wager was over by midseason, which is how long it took Romeo Crennel to realize that Derek Anderson was not Dan Marino.
I lost the bet, Crennel lost his job.
Yes, I’m depressed. Because Cowherd won, he gets to write part of this column. Plus who wants to lose a bet to a radio guy who just talks all day? There are a lot of commercial breaks, but I’ll wager he’s still talking during every break. I believe he talks on his way to work, on his way home from work, in the shower and in his sleep. I believe he talks in the reference room of the library and I believe he talks during a moment of silence.
You put an acorn in front of a squirrel and he eats it. You put a microphone in front of Colin Cowherd and he consumes it.
And it’s always the same thing with this guy. Here’s Cowherd – verbatim – from his show last Thursday, at 7:42 a.m. PST:
“Blah blah blah blah Pete Carroll walks on water. Blah blah blah blah BCS. Blah blah blah blah Bob Stoops is Sponge Bob Bowl Flop. Blah blah blah blah BCS.”
Anyway, a deal is a deal, so now I give you Colin Cowherd, unedited and unexpurgated, in his Couch Slouch column debut:
Virtually true story.
Spent a summer on a houseboat with the late Coco Chanel, or maybe it was Merril Hoge. Either way, I heard something I’ve lived by ever since:
Don’t eat Indian food after 10 p.m. Actually, that was the second thing; the first – when in doubt, take the under on future bets.
Hope is a dangerous thing. You’re better off realizing your limitations, joining a pipe fitters union and rooting for Big Ten offenses in BCS bowls. Cynicism is the new black. And Lewis Black is the newest cynic.
It’s been a rough year for newspapers, no reason to rub it in here. I started this four minutes ago and two bureaus of the Los Angeles Times have already closed.
With the current economic crisis, I’ll leave you with this: Take cover, and take the Steelers to cover.
Pay the maid, Stanley. Or something like that.
Ask The Slouch
Q. MacGyver could get out of nearly any bad situation using only a Swiss army knife, paperclip and duct tape. Would The Slouch have similar success using only a remote control, a six-pack of PBR and divorce papers? (Austin Blum; West Sand Lake, N.Y.)
A. If that were the case, sir, I would’ve ruled the world since May 11, 1990.
Q. When the TV broadcast signal changes in February and “rabbit ear” antennae no longer work, will Martians no longer be able to receive our sports broadcasts, become enraged and start an interplanetary war? (Steve Macaruso; Columbia, S.C.)
A. It is entirely possible.
Q. It looks like sports telecasts are headed toward 3-D. Are you on board? (Kris Silva; Lima, Ohio)
A. Do you have any idea what Dick Vitale would sound like in 3-D?
Q. Lincoln has a higher VORP (Value Over Replacement President), but Obama’s winning percentage is better. Which one should I take in our Fantasy Presidents League draft? (Stephen Knack; Bethesda, Md.)
A. Pay the maid, Stanley.
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