You know you have Cabin Fever when …
Is anyone out there as winter weary as I am?
Every day it’s the same drab monotonous repetition.
And that’s just what I’m seeing on the Weather Channel. The frozen view out my window is pretty darn depressing, too.
How cold is it?
It’s so cold that several iron Bloomsday runners were caught trying to skin the metal garbage goat at Riverfront Park.
It’s so cold the cross-dressing GOP legislators are packing their panties with hand warmers before they head out to paint the town.
Winter has been plenty demoralizing for the rest of us, too. To determine your own level of winter aggravation I have prepared the following Cabin Fever Quiz.
Please answer the following questions. Scoring will take place at the end of the test.
1. This infernal winter has dragged on so long, the last time I saw something growing green was …
A. The Chia pet display at the drugstore.
B. On a forgotten hamburger bun in my kitchen.
C. John McCain on Nov. 4.
2. Parts of Lincoln County were put in the dark recently when …
A. Power lines went down.
B. Trees and limbs snapped.
C. I don’t get it. Parts of Lincoln County are always in the dark.
3. The winter of 2008-09 will stand out because …
A. The December snow record was broken.
B. We can’t get rid of the dirty snow berms.
C. Thanks to all that snow, I no longer have the ugliest lawn in the neighborhood.
4. Spokane’s snow removal system …
A. Ran like a Swiss watch.
B. Showed more holes than Swiss cheese.
C. What? Spokane has a snow removal system?
5. The TV weathercaster’s most reliable tool for forecasting a snowstorm is …
A. Doppler radar.
B. A barometer.
C. The window.
6. “Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it” is a quotation by …
A. Mark Twain.
B. Mark Fuhrman.
C. Just about every boorish, know-it-all boob who’s ever wasted my time in an elevator or grocery store checkout line.
7. How do you make hoarfrost?
A. Condense moisture into a supercold fog.
B. Freeze water droplets into a feathery yet brittle ice.
C. Leave a tube top-wearing hooker on an East Sprague corner for an hour in January.
8. This prolonged winter has me …
A. Hitting the booze.
B. Hitting the dog.
C. Hitting myself over the head so I won’t wake up until April.
OK, now let’s add up your scores.
If you answered “A” six times or more you are showing absolutely no signs of cabin fever.
Or a sense of humor.
If you answered “C” six times or more, congratulations! You have the makings of a Weather Channel meteorologist.
Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.