Doug Clark: Under proposed ‘bill of rights,’ envision beautiful bedlam

The question- and-answer format is being used more and more here at the ol’ S-R (“Shrinking- Review”) as a way to replace that outmoded, space- and-time- consuming process of actual writing and reporting.

So, being the good soldier that I am, I will use the Q-and-A today to dissect a controversial and complex topic.

Namely, the Dimvision Spokane initiative that was placed on the November ballot this week by our City Council.

Q.First off, what exactly is Dimvision Spokane?

A.Dimvision Spokane is a coven of condescending know-it-alls who think they can run Spokane better than our beloved traditional form of municipal mismanagement.

Q.Oh, yeah? And what have these commies come up with?

A.They have created nine essential rights that the city would be bound to enforce, if the initiative passes.

Q.What are some of these essential rights?

A.The right for neighborhoods to veto development projects, for example. Oh, and the right for nature “to exist and flourish.”

Q.That’s weird. Why would anyone want to give nature rights?

A.It was a way for Dimvision Spokane to get enough names on the initiative petition.

Q.Names? What names?

A.Douglas Fir, Red Wood, Artie Choke, Marion Berry …

Q.Wow. Who knew nature had so many registered voters?

A.… Carrot Top, Marvin Gardens, Don Cherry, Albert Broccoli, Jimmy Crack Corn …

Q.Come on. Jimmy Crack Corn?

A.And I don’t care.

Q.Were there any essential rights that Dimvision Spokane overlooked?

A.Yes. The right of every Hillyard saloon patron to have toilet-paper access.

Q.Is this Dimvision thing as kooky as you’re making it out to be?

A.Kookier. Many believe all the lawsuits spawned by this so-called bill of rights would put the city in more dire financial skids than General Motors.

Q.So I’m assuming you’re praying this Dimvision disaster won’t pass, huh?

A.Bite your tongue! I hope it wins in a landslide.

Q.What?

A.Look. Spokane currently operates on a Wrong Mayor and 7 Nincompoops form of government.

Q.Yeah?

A.Don’t get me wrong. That’s been a wonderful system for me. But if Dimvision gets its way, the real power would be in the hands of Spokane neighborhoods and residents.

Q.So?

A.Do the math. We’d be governed by thousands and thousands of nincompoops. Life in Spokane would be more contentious than Woody Harrelson and a pack of paparazzi.

Q.And this is good news because …?

A.I’d be up to my ear hairs in column fodder.

Q.You’d actually turn the city over to a horde of gibbering fools just so you’d have even more civic insanity to write about?

A.Uh, and your point is?