Late condolence better written than spoken
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m sorry to say I have behaved badly. Roughly 18 months ago, an acquaintance lost two of his children in a terrible house fire, and I did not send a condolence note. (I was coping with depression because of a profound life change at the time, but that’s not an excuse – I am ashamed of not having written to him.) Sooner or later I’ll run into him, and I’d like to say, “I’m so sorry about your children, and I’m sorry that I was not in touch at the time; you have been in my thoughts and my prayers.”
All of that is true, but is it appropriate? If not, what should I say? Also, I assume that writing to him now would be inappropriate, but is that true? Should I write to him now, apologizing for (but not providing information about/an excuse for) not having written sooner?
GENTLE READER: Granted that it would have been good to write immediately, why would you think it would be inappropriate now to offer your sympathy?
Miss Manners hopes you are not among those who blithely prattle about others “achieving closure,” and who are under the assumption that one forgets such tragedy in time.
The simple statement you suggest would be better written than spoken. It is more convincing that you were thinking of this gentleman if you do not seem to require his presence to jog your memory.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like your input regarding the response to the RSVP – from my sister who is my child’s godparent – to my daughter’s graduation from eighth grade at the Catholic school she’s been attending for the last nine years.
The response was “We’ll have to wait and let you know that day how we’re feeling, if we can come or not” and then she listed their family responsibilities.
How is one to take that sort of RSVP? How is one to prepare for reservations and a reception?
Most important, what does one tell the graduate – “I don’t know, honey, if your cousins and godparents are coming. We’ll have to wait and see. I know you’ve worked hard for this graduation but apparently their life is too busy to squeeze us in or to make sure they will be there.”
What has become of this world that adults and special relatives can’t make a child’s special day of graduation an important priority? You would have thought I had invited them to a nonimportant event in this child’s life.
GENTLE READER: For a less important event, that reply still would have been rude. Every invitation, however casual, requires a definitive and rapid response.
However, even rudeness does not justify a rude reply. What you should say to your sister is, “I have to plan ahead, so I’ll take this as a ‘no.’ Angelica will miss you.”
If you are asked why the godparents will not attend, you should, without bitterness, refer her to them.