It’s been a grave new world ever since the economy went down like a slaughterhouse steer.
Pay cuts. Depression. Sudden fits of uncontrollable wailing …
And that’s just me down here at the incredible shrinking newspaper.
Hey, did you hear the latest?
My editorial colleagues and I have been ordered to take five days of unpaid furlough.
Talk about a coincidence. The editors already made me take a furlong. I had to promise to keep an eighth of a mile away from them during work hours.
And I thought I had a stable career. Now I feel like one of the contestants on that reality TV show.
You know, “I’m a Journalist … Get Me Out of Here!”
The recession has us all floating in the same leaky washtub. Consider a few examples of how life in the Insolvent Empire has changed:
Then – Wolfing down a thick juicy sirloin at Wolf Lodge Inn.
Now – Wrestling seagulls for dropped french fries at Dick’s.
Then – Watching the balance grow on your IRA.
Now – Panhandling for a pension outside the STA.
Then – Savoring the subtle overtones of a chenin blanc.
Now – Discovering that Nyquil goes quite nicely with fish.
Then – Inviting your friends over to watch your new Samsung flat-screen.
Now – Inviting your friends over to hear an Amway sales pitch.
Then – Booking a weekend getaway at the Davenport Hotel.
Now – Sharing a room at the Union Gospel Mission.
Then – Enjoying some “me” time at a fancy health spa.
Now – Stopping by the Riverfront Park shower statue for a quick hose-off.
Then – Ordering pay-per-view championship fights on HBO.
Now – Watching City Council meetings on channel 5.
Then – Leaving a fat tip for your Spokane Club server.
Now – Fishing change out of the bus plaza fountain.
Then – Season tickets for the Spokane Symphony at the Fox.
Now – Karaoke night at just about any local lounge.
Then – Having your embarrassing nether rash looked at by a dermatologist.
Now – Having your embarrassing nether rash looked at by a Rite Aid pharmacist.
Then – Buying chic and expensive men’s cologne from Nordstrom.
Now – Getting a Brut blast from a dispenser in a gas station commode.
Then – Hiring a landscaper to manicure your yard.
Now – Borrowing neighbor Jed’s goat.
Then – Running on a treadmill at a fancy health club.
Now – Being chased through town by a drunken and gun-toting Jay Olsen.
Then – Finding that “special someone” by enrolling in a dating service.
Now – Finding that “special someone” in the bushes at High Bridge Park.