March 2, 2009 in Features

Many teens believe relationship abuse sometimes acceptable

Megan Twohey And Bonnie Miller Rubin Chicago Tribune
 
StockXpress photo illustration photo

StockXpress photo illustration
(Full-size photo)

Signs of abuse

 You may be in an abusive relationship if your boyfriend or girlfriend:

•Hits, slaps, pushes or kicks you

•Controls where you go, what you wear or what you do

•Tries to stop you from seeing or talking to family or friends

•Calls you derogatory names

•Sends repeated text messages

•Forces you to do something sexual when you don’t want to

 Signs that your friend or child may be in an abusive relationship:

•She apologizes for his behavior and/or makes excuses for him.

•She frequently cancels plans at the last minute for reasons that sound untrue.

•She seems worried about upsetting him or making him angry.

•She’s giving up things that used to be important to her and is becoming increasingly isolated.

•Her weight, appearance or grades have changed dramatically. These could be signs of depression, which could indicate abuse.

•She has injuries she can’t explain, or the explanations she gives don’t make sense.

(Note: Males can also be victims and show similar signs.)

Resources

•National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: loveisrespect.org, (866) 331-9474

•National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-7233

•Domestic Violence 24 Hour Helpline For Survivors in Illinois: (877) 863-6338

•www.thatsnot cool.org, funded by the Family Violence Prevention Fund

A common reaction among students to singer Chris Brown’s alleged attack on his singer girlfriend Rihanna goes something like this: “Ha! She probably did something to provoke it,” said Ed Loos, a junior at Lake Forest (Ill.) High School.

In Chicago, Sullivan High School sophomore Adeola Matanmi has heard the same.

“People said, ‘I would have punched her around, too,’ ” Matanmi said. “And these were girls!”

As allegations of battery swirl around the famous couple, experts on domestic violence say the response from teenagers just a few years younger shows the desperate need to educate this age group about dating violence.

Acceptance, or even approval, of abuse in romantic relationships is not a universal reaction among teens. But it comes at a time when 1 in 10 teenagers has suffered such abuse and females ages 16 to 24 experience the highest rates of any age group, research shows.

In recent years, some schools and youth organizations have started educating teens about the dangers of dating violence. Rhode Island and Virginia have adopted laws requiring such instruction in the public schools.

But most states don’t have such a mandate, and education on the topic remains in short supply, experts say. Two of three new programs created by the federal Violence Against Women Act in 2005 to address teen dating violence were never funded.

“This incident has brought the issue into sharp focus,” said Esta Soler, president of the California-based Family Violence Prevention Fund. “This type of education is not happening in any broad or consistent way. We need to take it to scale, to make sure it’s happening in every community.”

Details of the incident between Brown and Rihanna are fuzzy, but the story continues to create much buzz among teens. Because she’s 21 and he’s 19, many see them as peers.

Katie Lullo, a junior at Elk Grove High School, said her classmates and friends were upset. “No one thinks it’s right for a guy to hit a girl,” she said.

And when the topic arose at an after-school program at Evanston, Ill.’s YMCA, many participants said abuse was “bogus.”

But other teens insist violence is sometimes justified in relationships.

While young fans have plastered Rihanna’s MySpace page with notes of support, many comments on Brown’s page express delight at the possibility that he battered a woman.

Kriana Jackson, a sophomore at Sullivan, said it’s a sign of a broader culture of acceptance of abuse.

“There was a girl at school this week with a scratch on her eye,” Jackson said. “She was talking openly about her boyfriend hitting her, but she was smiling and saying it was funny.”

Young people carry these attitudes into adulthood, experts say, and young targets of dating violence are more likely to succumb to aggression in later relationships.

For that reason, experts see education and other prevention initiatives geared at teens and preteens as one of the best hopes for halting dating and domestic violence.

“We know that education is absolutely crucial to breaking the cycle of abuse and strengthening healthy relationships,” said Candice Hopkins, director of loveisrespect.org, the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline. Started in 2007, it receives about 90 contacts a week.

Because young victims move in a different world than that of older people, they require unique interventions.

Text messaging and online social-networking sites, especially popular among teenagers, serve as tools for stalking and harassment. Victims often keep quiet, fearing that if they report another student’s aggressive behavior, they will be socially ostracized – or that their parents will confiscate their cell phone or close a Facebook account.

Teens also can have a harder time severing contact with an abuser. Many are forced to see the perpetrator every day at school, sometimes in the same class.

Last summer, the president of the National Association of Attorneys General launched a campaign called “Working Together to End the Violence” and called on communities to focus on relationship abuse among young people.

The Family Violence Prevention Fund launched a national public-service advertising campaign last month called “That’s Not Cool” to help teens recognize digital dating abuse and take steps to prevent it.

The Chicago-based group Between Friends is among the nonprofit organizations that go into schools to teach students about the signs of abusive control, why it’s wrong and how to cultivate healthy relationships. Its REACH program gets students involved in role-playing and other exercises.

“When we first get there, it’s not unusual for kids – both boys and girls – to say it’s OK to hit your girlfriend or boyfriend,” said Kathy Doherty, the organization’s executive director. “By the time we’re done, they say, yes, it is abuse, and, no, we shouldn’t do that.”

As Doherty and others work to expand such programming, they hope teachers, parents and others use the story about Brown and Rihanna to talk to teens about dating violence.

Loos said his law teacher at Lake Forest recently incorporated the story into class.

But when students brought it up in Chelsea Whitis’ economics class at Lane Tech High School in Chicago, the teacher brushed it aside.

“He said the celebrities were getting too much attention and didn’t want us to talk about it,” Whitis said.

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