May 3, 2009 in City

Cough up swine flu answers (and hurry!)

By The Spokesman-Review

If you’ve been following the news lately, you know that the American media have come down with a raging case of swine flu fever.

The situation is so severe that some of the more feverish cable news channels have actually stopped exploiting missing white teenagers to report exclusively on what few actual cases of swine flu there are.

But the question remains: How can we in the Spokane area take part in the panic? The answer is to start by taking my quiz to test your swine flu knowledge.

Please circle all of your answers. Then mail your exams to the Spokane Regional Health District for scoring.

Make sure to include your name and address. That way, health officials will know where to find you and, if you’re lucky, give you some really good drugs.

1. Despite all the concern about swine flu, Bloomsday organizers remain confident that …

A. Today’s race will go off without a hitch.

B. The May weather will cooperate.

C. Even more doughy white thighs will suffer from chafing than last year.

2. Unleashing a series of loud, uncovered, wet sneezes when boarding a Spokane Transit Authority bus is …

A. Irresponsible and could spread the swine flu.

B. Rude even by STA bus-riding standards.

C. A clever way to get a seat all to yourself.

3. Some common-sense methods to prevent swine flu include …

A. Washing your hands with soap and water.

B. Covering your coughs with a shirt sleeve.

C. Boiling your crack pipe before passing it to a friend.

4. Spokane police are dealing with the swine flu threat by …

A. Disinfecting patrol cars after every shift.

B. Issuing individually wrapped donuts.

C. Putting on latex gloves and paper booties before pummeling and stomping on a handcuffed and hogtied suspect.

5. Clorox wipes are quite handy for …

A. Decontaminating shopping cart handles.

B. Disinfecting a computer terminal.

C. Sanitizing a Stateline stripper before a lap dance.

6. The World Health Organization has traced the origins of swine flu to …

A. Mexican pigs.

B. Arnold from “Green Acres.”

C. Amy Winehouse.

7. Face masks are fine, but only …

A. If you’re too sick to keep from infecting others.

B. If you’re impersonating Michael Jackson.

C. If you’re sticking up an East Sprague quickie mart.

8. Purell liquid sanitizer is …

A. A viable hand-washing alternative.

B. A proven germ-killer.

C. Still the cocktail of choice for Geiger Corrections Center inmates.

9. Diarrhea, chills, fever and vomiting. If you have these symptoms you …

A. May have the swine flu.

B. Should stay home from work.

C. Definitely should not have eaten that gas station hot dog.

10. Spokane Mayor Mary Verner has responded to the swine flu threat by …

A. Intensifying her crackdown on bus bench advertising.

B. Revamping her plan to alternate residential lawn sprinkling.

C. Quarantining Councilman Bob Apple.

11. The Spokane County Jail’s swine flu prevention plan includes …

A. More soap-on-a-rope.

B. Canceling disco night.

C. Conducting cavity searches with barbecue tongs.

12. If you ask me, this swine flu panic is crazier than …

A. The Y2K hysteria of 1999.

B. The Elvis is Alive conspiracy of the 1980s.

C. The Steve Eugster for Spokane City Council candidacy of 2009.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at

Thoughts and opinions on this story? Click here to comment >>

Get stories like this in a free daily email