Don’t count on professor to take up your cause

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At one of the universities where I teach as an adjunct, I had some problems setting up a projector and my personal computer before class.

As I am new to this particular campus, a full-time professor happened by, and, noticing my problem, offered some obvious suggestions for getting the system up and running. However, along with his comments about “closing all these other programs” (the ones I needed for the presentation), he kept throwing in little jabs like, “With a slow computer like that…” and “With an old computer like that one…”. I think he may even have described my computer as “crappy.”

I found myself taking offense at his comments, which were certainly not helpful to my immediate situation. I was hurt, as I would have been if he had insulted my children or my home.

Am I being too sensitive? My computer is only 3 years old, and it is an important tool that I rely on to do my work every day.

I was tempted to say, “Well, I can’t afford to spend one-fourth of my pay this semester to buy a faster computer. Do you want to buy one for me?” (Adjuncts are paid less-than-poverty wages to do almost half the work that full-time tenured professors do. Those professors are paid much more handsomely and get benefits like health insurance and state retirement.)

I think he should have said, “You know, there are faster computers that you can borrow from the media center every day for class.” Am I correct? How should I have handled the situation?

GENTLE READER: Correct? To equate criticizing your computer with insulting your children? Miss Manners is as sporadically fond of her computer as anyone else, but she would not fight a duel to defend its honor.

True, the professor could have been more helpful – could even have minded his own business since he seemed to know less than you about how to set this up.

But you could have dismissed him with a simple “Thanks, I’ll manage.” The likelihood of his taking up the cause of pay increases for adjuncts was equal to that of his buying you a computer. But if you really couldn’t contain yourself, you could have said cheerfully, “Well, it’s what I can afford.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate for a man to send a wedding gift to a couple for not attending their wedding? Will a sorry suffice? Due to an uncertain schedule, I wasn’t able to answer the RSVP properly. In fact, I was asked through e-mail if I would go or not. I said no, but the guilt still remains.

GENTLE READER: The reason for sending a wedding present is the same as the reason for attending a wedding (or feeling deep, genuine regret about not being able to attend): that you care about the couple and want to show this symbolically.

Miss Manners is guessing that this is not the case here. Sending one anyway may indeed sweeten the effect of your rudeness in not answering the invitation, but it should not assuage the guilt you quite properly feel.